AMPLIFYING THE RELATIONAL FIELD THROUGH "PAKIKIRAMDAM"
“Ang sakít ng kalingkingan, damdám ng buóng katawán.”(Baybayin spelling ᜀᜅ᜔ ᜐᜃᜒᜆ᜔ ᜈᜅ᜔ ᜃᜎᜒᜅ᜔ᜃᜒᜅᜈ᜔ ᜵ ᜇᜋ᜔ᜇᜋ᜔ ᜈᜅ᜔ ᜊᜓᜂᜅ᜔ ᜃᜆᜏᜈ᜔)
Literal translation of this Filipino saying is “the pain of the little finger is felt by the whole body”.
I never really knew the depth and meaning of these lines that I grew up in until now.
Looking back at last Wednesday’s failed chemo session, I shudder thinking how things could have gone so wrong.
I close my eyes and can see in my mind’s eye the details of the event and how things unfurled (ohhh this word really is a big part of my year!).
I can vividly remember how I was so tuned in to what was happening inside of me.
It was like a switch dialed in to the highest number that allowed me to notice every sensation that needed my attention - those that didn’t seem to be in alignment. From the spasms that started at my lower back, to the spike of contractions that I felt that traveled to my spine, the heaviness on my chest, and to the grinding pain that I felt underneath my right occipital lobe- I felt all of it and knew when and where things were “out of place”.
I also was so tuned in with what was going on around me.
I knew when I was sensing doubts and uncertainties from the other nurses on how to proceed.
I felt the uneasiness of the younger nurse in training as I was treated an “emergency” at that given moment.
I saw the look of shock and deep concern in my husband’s eyes before they had to close the curtain and he had to step back. I also picked up on when a nurse asked him how he was doing when I was finally settling down.
All of it, from what was going on in my body, to the commotion of the ward, to the nervousness of the people around me, to the perplexed doctors that assisted, all of it I took in and was processing in what might seem like hours yet happened only in a couple of minutes.
And I might sound that I am brushing this experience off lightly, but I just find it incredible!
The ways in which I was able to take all of these inputs in and find ways to “connect and relate” with them is astonishing me.
Even up until now, I didn’t know I am able to do that in such a clear and detailed manner.
Yet I guess that is what high stress situations can take you. It heightens our capabilities to be more attuned and aware of what is going on inside of us and around us.
“The most important unit of analysis in a system is not the part (e.g. individual, organization, or institution), it’s the relationship between the parts.”
- Brenda Zimmerman
This is where the Filipino practice of PAKIKIRAMDAM comes in handy.
PAKIKIRAMDAM is listening with the third ear. It’s a way of feeling & sensing that goes beyond what is on the surface level. It’s heightened empathy & sensitivity. What I love the most as a definition is “shared inner perception”.
It is an emotional a priori that goes with the Filipino personhood. It is a heightened sensitivity and keen inner feeling for another that allows for pakundangan (great consideration, reverence, care, and deliberation) in engaging with others.
Pakikiramdam is about being skilled in reading the other person’s feelings, guessing inner states, tracking and adjusting behaviors. It requires receptivity to many non-verbal cues, such as subtle facial expressions, tones of voice and bodily gestures.
HOW WE PRACTICE PAKIKIRAMDAM
Pakikiramdam happens inside and out
Pakikiramdam is deep sensing and attuning to what is going on inside of you and outside of you. What we tune into are the different sensations. feelings, emotions, body actions and thoughts that are happening inside of us and around us. In practicing pakikiramdam, the invitation is to sense the "I', the you, the us, others, and the greater field".
Pakikiramdam happens consciously or subconsciously and it also happens fast or slow.
Different types of sensory information (auditory, tactile, visual, etc.) are processed at different speeds by different neural pathways in our brain. It happens in milliseconds and it can also happen slowly with deliberate focus and intention.
Pakikiramdam is relational.
We often tune in more to people who are "ibang tao" (not one of us). When we are with people who are close or familiar to us, there is more directness and openness. We are also able to understand the state of the person given our familiarity with them and thus practice pakikiramdam less than we do with people who are new to us.
Pakikiramdam is contextual.
We can interpret myriad of cues and behaviors in different ways depending on the situation and the level of ambiguity. There is more ambiguity in actions and dispositions with people who are "ibang-tao" and thus require more attunement.
Pakikiramdam is improvisatory.
It requires constant sensing or feeling on what is happening within one's self, the other, in between us and in the greater field. This acceptance of emergence also entails coming up with appropriate behaviors that can guide us during interactions to avoid conflict, smoothen relationships and respond to signals or cues (example attuning to signals that tell us when something is unsafe or undesirable and deciding when to pause, pivot or push through).
How we practice pakikiramdam is shaped by personality and cultural differences.
People perceive things differently. We choose to select different aspects of a message to focus our attention based on what interests us, what is familiar to us, or what we consider important. Personality and cultural background deeply shape the way we perceive things. For instance, research has found that four of the Big 5 personality traits—openness, conscientiousness, extreaversion, and neuroticism—can impact our perception of organizational justice
WHEN WE USE PAKIKIRAMDAM, WE…
practice sense-making
surface feelings and needs
notice and attune to signals around us
improvise and pivot based on what is emerging
help in emotional regulation and co-regulation
clarify and ambiguous/ and/ or critical situation
align actions with inner perception (intuition)
raise minority voices in the space
become aware of our patterns when engaging with others
listen to what is not being said
check in with others
pick up on the energy in the room
HOW TO STRENGTHEN OUR CAPACITY FOR PAKIKIRAMDAM
I would like to propose the practice of “DAMDAM” as a way to strengthen our muscles in tuning in with ourselves and with each other through pakikiramdam.
D- DISCOVER
Heighten your attention to notice practices and patterns. Discover your feelings and yearnings.
A- ATTUNE
Attunement is our assiduity and acuity in matching, mirroring, and making sense of the here and now.
Relational attunement is “a kinesthetic and emotional sensing of others, knowing their rhythm, affect and experience by metaphorically being in their skin” (Erksine 1998).
M- MAP
When sense-making, make sure to also ground the experience to the body and to one’s lived experiences. Identify where these memories, experiences, and practices reside inside and outside of the body (i.e. with whom?when? where?)
D- DECONSTRUCT
Perception plays a crucial role in how we understand ourselves because it shapes our reality and influences our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. Unpack perceptions, expectations, and mental models.
A- ALIGN
Reflect on what can provide congruence from both inside and out.
M- MOVE
Meaningfully engage and take action. Take inspiration from learned responses like soften, flock, flow, and surrender.
Interested to know more about pakikiramdam? Here are two recommended articles!
Mansukhani, Raj (2005). Pakikiramdam : A critical analysis. In Rolando M. Gripaldo (ed.), Filipino Cultural Traits: Claro R. Ceniza Lectures. Council for Research in Values and Philosophy. pp. 185--202.
Mataragnon, R. (1987). Pakikiramdam in Filipino Social Interaction. In Foundations of Behavioral Sciences: A Book of Readings (pp. 470-482). Quezon City: University of the Philippines
Hiraya manawari,
Lana