BENEATH THE ICEBERG: A Healing-Centered Model of What Shapes Our Behaviors
WHAT IF…
We often view behaviors as problems to be fixed.
But what if we shift our lens and see them as invitations to explore, understand, and listen more deeply?
What would then change in how we engage with ourselves and each other?
We know that behavior is just the tip of the iceberg. What lies beneath—our thoughts, feelings, and beliefs—offers clues to what drives us. I have written a lot about Satir’s Personal Iceberg Model as a way to understand what’s underneath the iceberg. Ever since I learned about it, and now expanding my learning on how to use it with the Satir Transformational Systemic Therapy training that I am doing, I have learned to appreciate the model even more. I use it in my trainings, facilitation work, and mentoring activities. Virginia Satir’s work has opened my eyes and practices to a deeper appreciation and understanding of the complexities of our behaviors.
We are indeed complex human beings, and the more I immersed myself in this realization, the more I noticed the expansiveness of our icebergs. In my journey of healing, facilitation, and community weaving, I realized that what lies underneath is far more layered, relational, and ancestral than many models suggest.
This is why I’m offering a new lens—a Healing-Centered Iceberg Model—that honors the complexity of our being. This model invites us into a deeper process of reconnection: to ourselves, our histories, and the ecosystems that hold us.
From Behavior to Belonging
At the surface, we often see behaviors—withdrawal, perfectionism, overworking, people-pleasing, and emotional outbursts. Behaviors that are visible, observable, and often looked down upon and judged.
But just below are our coping patterns and attachment styles. These could be secure, anxious, avoidant, or disorganized (I will write more about this in the next article!). Virginia Satir referred to the coping patterns as placating, blaming, super reasonable, and irrelevant. I have integrated these coping patterns into a more nervous system oriented survival strategies (fight, flight, freeze, fawn, flop) Together with the attachment styles, these aren’t just psychological labels; they are relational imprints formed over time, deeply shaped by our developmental level and the environments we grew up in.
Behaviors are not random. They are patterned responses to past and present conditions. They are also narratives we have about the future. They are stories our body tells when words are not enough to express the depths of our parallel lives.
So the parallel lives we live are the narratives and histories of the past, what is alive in the present moment, and the assumptions, expectations, hopes, and storylines for the future. All these parallel lives are amalgamations, an amazing alchemy of what makes us unique and our behaviors distinct and profound.
The Nervous System Knows
As we descend deeper into the iceberg, we encounter the terrain of our neuroception. Neuroception is the subconscious process through which our body detects cues of safety or threat—a tone of voice, a flicker in someone’s eyes, the space between words. Our neuroception is formed both by our neurophysiology and our interpersonal neurobiology.
Whether we feel safe or not isn’t always conscious. Our nervous system has its own memory. And it draws on our eight senses (including interoception and proprioception) to assess the world around us.
Layered with this is interpersonal neurobiology, which shows us how our brain is shaped through relationships. Our perceptions, expectations, and sense of self are all co-created in connection with others. How we make sense of the world is formed through co-regulation and attunement. The world we perceive emerges from our collective nervous system.
The Wounds and Wisdom in Our Cells
Beneath these layers lies our epigenetic inheritance—the biological memory passed down through generations. These aren’t just predispositions to illness or resilience. They are imprints of war, displacement, survival, migration, resistance, and community care.
Interwoven in how we behave are our ancestral and historical histories—the collective wounds and wisdom we inherited. They influence how we experience our needs and how close or far we feel from our true selves. What we carry is not just personal. It’s collective. We are more than our ancestors’ sufferings, we are also their strengths. We are not only the wounded parts of generations past. We are also the collective memory of their wellness.
These layers influence how we experience our needs and relate to our inner selves.
Are our needs valid? Safe to express? Honored?
Can we trust our inner knowing, or have we been taught to override it?
Listening to the Wisdom of Our Needs/Yearnings
When I started Nonviolent Communication training more than a decade ago, it opened me up to the importance of knowing my needs, how I can articulate them, and ask for support from myself and others in meeting those needs. Exploring yearnings (as named in Virginia Satir’s work) has opened me up to further inquiry around the experience of having my yearnings met. It encouraged me to reflect on the rules and messages I got from my family (and my culture) around my yearnings.
Our needs and yearnings are not inconveniences—they are a compass. A compass that, when followed with care and honesty, leads us into greater congruence and integrity with who we truly are. Listening to our needs and yearnings allows us to move from self-abandonment toward self-honoring. It reorients us from external validation to internal alignment. In doing so, it strengthens the bridge between our inner world and how we choose to show up in the outer world.
Our needs and yearnings are not weaknesses to be shamed or minimized. They are signals from the deep—clues pointing toward our longings for connection, safety, expression, rest, and meaning. When we learn to listen to these inner cues with compassion, they become pathways for reconnection. By honoring what we truly need, we open the doorway back to our inner self - restoring dignity, self-trust, and the capacity to belong to ourselves again.
Reconnection with the Resourced Self
At the heart of this model is the belief that our inner self is not empty or broken, but inherently resourced. Beneath the layers of conditioning, survival strategies, and inherited wounds, there exists a core self that is whole, wise, and connected. This essence is the part of us that remembers who we are, even when we’ve forgotten.
Reconnecting with this inner essence—our resourced self—means returning to a sense of inner rootedness. It’s the part of us that holds creativity, calm, clarity, and compassion. When we touch this space, we are reminded that healing is not about becoming someone else, but about returning to ourselves.
In this space, our needs are not only guides but gateways to congruence. They signal where reconnection is needed and support us in living in alignment with our values, truths, and longings. This inner self is a reservoir we can draw from, especially when external realities feel uncertain or fragmented.
Reconnection as Healing
Remember, at the very bottom of the iceberg is not a broken self, but a sacred one.
One that remembers.
One that is capable of reconnection.
Reconnection with our ancestral wisdom reminds us of the strength and knowledge of those who came before. Reconnection with communal wisdom anchors us in belonging. Lastly, reconnection with Earth wisdom invites us back to rhythm, rest, and reciprocity.
When we root ourselves in this deeper knowing, we move through the layers of healing:
Awareness (head space): sensing and noticing patterns
Attunement (heart space): understanding narratives, histories, and judgments
Alignment (soul space): reconnecting to one’s core
Agency (embodied): exploring healing, opening possibilities, and taking congruent next steps
This is the journey beneath the iceberg. It is not linear. It is cyclical, sacred, and deeply relational.
What shifts when we stop trying to fix behavior and instead listen for what it is pointing us toward?
What healing becomes possible when we see ourselves—and others—as whole, not in spite of the layers, but because of them?
Practice: Mapping Your Iceberg
This is an invitation to gently explore what lives beneath your visible behaviors—to name the layers that shape your responses and deepen your understanding of your resourced self. You can do this through journaling, drawing, or simply reflecting in a quiet space.
Step 1: The Tip of the Iceberg
Start by naming a behavior you often notice in yourself—perhaps a reaction or habit that feels familiar. Write it or draw it at the top of the iceberg.
Step 2: Coping & Attachment Patterns
Ask yourself: What patterns show up when I feel overwhelmed or unsure? What helps me feel safe, and what distances me from connection? Identify any familiar survival strategies (like fight, flight, freeze, fawn, or flop) or attachment dynamics you notice.
Step 3: Developmental Influences
Reflect on moments in your life that may have shaped how you respond to stress, express needs, or seek connection. What was modeled for you? What was allowed or denied?
Step 4: Nervous System & Neurobiology
Notice how your body responds to stress or safety. How do your senses, breath, posture, or heart rate inform you of what you need? Where does your body hold tension or ease?
Step 5: Cultural & Ancestral Imprints
Name any inherited beliefs, behaviors, or relational expectations passed down through family, culture, or history. How have they shaped your understanding of needs, emotions, or worth?
Step 6: Needs & Yearnings
Now turn inward: What are the needs that live beneath your behavior? What is this part of you longing for—rest, affirmation, autonomy, safety, connection, meaning?
Step 7: The Resourced Self
Finally, connect with the part of you that remains whole and rooted. What strengths, inner resources, or ancestral wisdom can you draw upon? What helps you return to yourself?
Take a moment to witness the entire iceberg. Let yourself feel curiosity, compassion, and wonder. You are not just your behavior—you are a layered, living story of resilience and reconnection.
Dear Readers,
I know, I know… It has been more than a month since I last wrote an article. I was very much immersed in life and celebrating life. April was such an important month for our family with my husband celebrating his 50th birthday, our daughter turning 18, and my brother, whom I haven’t seen face to face for 7 years, is spending some time with us till next week. I had to disengage here to fully engage with my loved ones. So I do hope this piece gives you something to think about and would make up for that month-long silence from my end :)
I am deeply curious about how you are receiving this work. Please let me know how this work resonates with you, and I look forward to what emerges!
In kapwa,
Lana