CARING FOR THE SPACE BETWEEN US
There is a recurring theme that I have been noticing lately in my interactions. In a conversation with a coach friend of mine, he mentioned that the theme seems to have something to do with “care and how we care for the space between us”. That line got me thinking deeply and last night in a conversation with my husband and two teenagers, this came up again.
How do we really care for the space between us?
What do we mean when we talk about “space” in the first place and why is it important for us to hold the space with care?
Here was the example from yesterday...
Yesterday I met with the plastic surgeon to talk about possibilities for reconstruction. I have decided to do an elective double mastectomy to lessen my chances of having breast cancer. I am realistic to know that this doesn’t guarantee not having any cancer in the future, yet if that would lessen my odds of getting it, I realised I would rather go for this option and see what the future holds from there. So after knowing my options, I decided that the best course of action is to first do the double mastectomy without reconstruction and then after all the treatments and after I have lost weight, then I can schedule for the reconstruction which is roughly a year later.
During family dinner my husband broached the topic to the kids on what happened to the hospital visit. After a minute or two of him explaining the options chosen, there were no further questions or comments and the conversation moved on to what the kids were busy with. I noticed for myself that I was disengaging as the conversation went to history classes to statistics. At one point when the dinner was over, I spoke about what I noticed in the interaction and the pain I felt around it.
What I told my kids and my husband was the perception I had that my story was glossed over. It was as if what was happening for me was of less interest and that after getting the facts, there were no genuine asking of “how are you with it?”, “are there some fears around it?” etc. I spoke from a place of “this is what I noticed and felt” when the conversations moved away from me to them without a sense of closure and how the space made me feel disconnected.
What I broke down to the kids and my husband was, there is a quality of presence that is important in such conversations. We weren't talking about “how the weather was”. Rather we were talking about my breasts being amputated. What I would have wanted in the conversation was not to go on the “superficial level” of asking details but to go deeper and connect to feelings and yearnings. I would have liked to be held and cared for in the space.
You might think, “oh they are teenagers, they wouldn’t be able to figure that one out.” I have been practicing nonviolent communication with the kids since they were 5 and 7 (the first time I had breast cancer) and have been diligent in teaching them practices that I myself have been learning and unlearning. So I know my 15 and 16 year olds are capable of hearing what I was saying about this matter. And indeed they did. After I shared my observations and my feelings, they did reflect back on how the conversation became more about them. My husband also shared his reflection on what he realised, and how he didn’t “hold the space” well for me to feel heard and seen.
"Holding space" is a concept popularized by Heather Plett, an author and facilitator, that refers to the practice of being present for someone else without judgment or trying to fix their problems. In holding space for someone, we create a safe(r) and supportive environment for them to
express themselves authentically,
explore their thoughts, emotions, expectations, perceptions, and
work through their challenges on their own terms.
The act of holding space involves active listening, empathy, compassion, and a willingness to simply be present and available for the other person without imposing our own thoughts or solutions onto them. It requires setting aside one’s ego and agenda to make room for the other person's experiences and feelings. The quality of presence when we hold space for another person is about understanding, and acceptance without any expectation of reciprocity or specific outcomes.
“When we hold space for someone who is on a journey through the liminal space, we are willing to walk alongside without judging them, making them feel inadequate, trying to fix them, or trying to impact the outcome. We open our hearts, offer unconditional support, and let go of judgement and control. We engage without controlling, support without judging, and create boundaries without creating limitations.” - Heather Plett, author The Art of Holding Space
So how do we care for the space between us?
How do we hold space for each other with warmth, genuine interest, care, and love?
These questions are deeply alive in me, especially as I go through all these appointments and medical treatments that are making me feel overwhelmed, sometimes frustrated, and at times heavy in my head and heart as I navigate choices and timelines where I am not in control of.
One of the tools that I am reminded of that has served me when I had my first experience with breast cancer and how to hold space for people is the ring theory of Susan Silk and Barry Goldman.
The ring theory is a model that helps people understand how to provide support and care to others during times of crisis or difficulty. In this theory, the person in crisis is placed at the center of the ring, while their closest family and friends form the first ring around them. The next ring consists of extended family and close friends, followed by colleagues and acquaintances in subsequent rings.
The idea is simple: COMFORT IN, DUMP OUT.
It means support should flow inward towards the person in crisis, with comfort and aid being given by those in outer rings to those closer to the center. The silk model acknowledges that the kvetching has to go somewhere. Yet it also reminds us that we should be more intentional on how we hold the space with care for the ones mostly affected by the situation. We are encouraged to dump out our own frustrations, unsolicited advice, and tendency to centre our stories and emotions away from those who are deeply involved and aggrieved.
“The person in the center ring can say anything she wants to anyone, anywhere. She can kvetch and complain and whine and moan and curse the heavens and say, “Life is unfair” and “Why me?” That’s the one payoff for being in the center ring.
Everyone else can say those things too, but only to people in larger rings.
When you are talking to a person in a ring smaller than yours, someone closer to the center of the crisis, the goal is to help. Listening is often more helpful than talking. But if you’re going to open your mouth, ask yourself if what you are about to say is likely to provide comfort and support. If it isn’t, don’t say it. Don’t, for example, give advice. People who are suffering from trauma don’t need advice. They need comfort and support. So say, “I’m sorry” or “This must really be hard for you” or “Can I bring you a pot roast?” Don’t say, “You should hear what happened to me” or “Here’s what I would do if I were you.” And don’t say, “This is really bringing me down.”
If you want to scream or cry or complain, if you want to tell someone how shocked you are or how icky you feel, or whine about how it reminds you of all the terrible things that have happened to you lately, that’s fine. It’s a perfectly normal response. Just do it to someone in a bigger ring.” - Susan Silk and Barry Goldman
The key concept of the ring theory is that comfort should always flow towards the center of the ring, meaning that people should offer support and empathy to those who are closer to the crisis than they are. This helps prevent the person in the center from feeling overwhelmed by having to support and hold space for others when they are the ones in need. It also helps us be aware on how we are showing up with care and understanding for everyone involved. When we use this model, we can ensure that we are providing the most effective and compassionate support to those going through difficult times.
Reminders when using the ring model:
Centre the person most affected.
Understand where you are in relationship to the person.
Be aware of where others are in the rings.
People outside of the inner ring serve as comforter, carer and supporter.
“Dump out” your intense feelings, negative feelings and anxieties only to people in the larger rings
Remember the “Platinum rule” - “do unto others what others would like done unto them”. Ask and listen to the people in the inner ring on what will support them best. Our ways of dealing with situations vary, it’s important to provide care and comfort based on what the person needs and not to impose our own wants and needs.
How was this for you to read?
I am curious on how you are receiving my musings and the tools and practices that I have been sharing. If you are benefiting from my work and would like to support me, please do consider being a paid subscriber, or share my work with others who you think can benefit from what I am sharing.
Hiraya manawari,
Lana
Love the Ring Model and heard of it before. Thanks for your work 👏👏👏