GIVING OURSELVES GRACE BY BEFRIENDING OUR INNER CRITIC (Part 1)
This is a 3-part article exploring the Inner Critic through Satir's Personal Iceberg Model
I have been in conversations lately where the role of the inner critic has been brought up. For the mentorship work I do with Vision 20/20, we often get messages from the leaders, founders and change makers that we work with around their hesitancy to share their message or to be visible with their work. Most of the inner critic lines that we have encountered are:
“ I am not good enough.”
“Who am I to do do and say these?”
“Who would listen or buy programs or services from me?”
“I don’t think I am ready, I still have a lot to learn and to prepare for.”
“I am not sure if my message is clear and will resonate with people.”
“I am not an expert on this.”
Not only do these inner critic voices pop up in work, they also pop up in our everyday lives especially when we are feeling threatened or uncertain. I recently had my inner critic voice surface yesterday during a conversation with the Mammacare nurse after hearing the results of the pathology report. It was not the news we wanted to hear, and in the midst of the shock of knowing that I would have to go for further treatments for adjunct therapy for breast cancer, I also heard myself saying these lines:
“But what have I been doing wrong???”
“I am causing so much grief and hardship for my husband and our kids (also the voice that says “I am an inconvenience!”).”
After a good cry in the arms of my husband, I can hear and process these lines for what they are- the inner critic surfacing.
It is already difficult to deal with external criticisms, and it can be even harder to receive the judgments of the inner critic.
These self-criticisms often become limiting beliefs that can stop us from pursuing things or prevent us from exploring other options. These are voices that remind us of our flaws and failings. These are also critical stories that we have heard before in our childhood. Not only do these beliefs affect the way we feel and treat ourselves, they also influence how others see and treat us.
Which is why, I find it important to explore and understand more what the role of the inner critic is in our lives and how we can give ourselves grace by befriending our inner critic.
Here are my thoughts on why the inner critic is important.
THE INNER CRITIC IS A NATURAL PART OF OUR LIVES
We are neurologically wired to feel emotions even the uncomfortable ones like shame and guilt. All of these emotions have neural signatures that tell us how to react in given situations. Feeling inadequate and uncertain about ourselves is part of the human experience. It is part of our ability to self-reflect, and evaluate one’s self-perception. Tara Brach calls this the “trance of unworthiness” wherein we, in our achievement-oriented culture, get into a trance that often leaves us filled with self-loathing and self-doubt rather than self-worth and self-esteem.
Through the information we store in our brain about the experiences that we had as babies and our caregivers, we develop cues about relationships based on these early experiences. We learn to interpret life based on these early messages and interactions and draw conclusions on how to act and respond oftentimes triggering fight, flight or freeze responses in our sympathetic nervous system when.
For individuals who experienced unstable, toxic relationships with their caregivers, they grew up in an environment where they are in constant state of arousal (fight, flight or freeze). The much needed co-regulation from trustworthy caregivers are not met and the parasympathetic nervous system which is responsible for calming the body is not activated.
All of these shame, guilt and toxic experiences are stored in our hippocampus, the part of the limbic system responsible for consolidating memory. Our brain store memories on how we should respond to situations when we feel threatened, uncomfortable or uncertain. The internalised negative messages about ourselves and what we can expect from others are triggered responses that we have carried with us ever since we are babies. This is why we are hardwired to respond in certain ways to unpleasant situations and unfortunately can cause us to react within certain behaviour patterns or coping stances.
Since our psyche is wired to avoid pain, the inner critic surfaces to protect us from feeling painful emotions especially in conditions where we are ignored, undermined, contempt, rejected, judged, or shamed. It is our brain’s way of keeping us safe in situations that it perceives to be a threat or conditions where we might feel uncomfortable.
RECONNECTING TO THE YEARNINGS
“The belief that we are deficient and unworthy makes it difficult to trust that we are truly loved. Many of us live with an undercurrent of depression or hopelessness about ever feeling close to other people We fear that if they realize we are boring or stupid, selfish or insecure, they’ll reject us. If we’re not attractive enough, we may never be loved in an intimate, romantic way. We yearn for an unquestioned experience of belonging, to feel at home with ourselves and others, at ease and fully accepted. But the trance of unworthiness keeps the sweetness of belonging out of reach.”
– Tara Brach, PhD
Thanks to neuroplasticity, our brains can adapt and learn new ways of thinking and responding. We can re-pattern our brain to process things differently and to not be in constant alert or hyper-aroused state. We can learn to “relax our nervous system”.
One of the tools that has helped me greatly in “re-patterning my thoughts especially when my inner critic is loud” is through reconnecting to my yearnings and to my deepest essence.
Virginia Satir in her personal iceberg model suggested that we look at our behaviors through this iceberg model.
The PERSONAL ICEBERG METAPHOR by Virginia Satir (et al.) is used as a change and transformational tool to explore the self. It suggests that behavior is visible to others in the external world, but the internal world lies "below the water line" and is hidden from view.
Each layer under the water represents a part of personal experiences that are unique to each individual, and if explored, gets us closer to our essence- to who we are in the world. The Personal Iceberg Metaphor is a visual tool which can allow us to peel the layer, seek meaning and facilitate change within our human inner experiences - both the behaviours visible in the external world and those that lie below the waterline.
"Like icebergs, we show only parts of ourselves. Much of us lies below the surface. We also show only parts of what we know."
-Virginia Satir
ABOVE THE WATERLINE
Behaviors are at the top of the iceberg
Satir believed that behaviors are results of internal processes within a person and are the manifestation of the changes or blocks within the person’s inner world. Satir also noted that how we behave is a reflection of our self-esteem. Therefore, once the internal world changes, the external behaviors will also change.
Behaviors are visible to the external world and include:
event
circumstance
story
Our coping tendencies
The four survival stances are placating, blaming, computing, and being irrelevant.
Satir thought that these stances "originated from a state of low self-worth and imbalance, in which people give their power to someone or something else. People adopt survival stances to protect their self-worth against verbal and nonverbal, perceived and presumed threats."
PLACATOR
They tend to disregard own feelings of worth, hands power to others, and say yes to everything. They are often depressed, see themselves as victims, and feel helpless and hopeless. They are concerned about how they will be perceived, oftentimes looking for approval from others, and their response to stress is to avoid it.
The person gives the other person higher value than they do to themselves. They also submit their dreams and future to the other person.
BLAMER
They criticize everybody else, harasses and accuse other people or circumstances. The blamer discounts others, and honours only self and the context. They are fault finders who feel powerless and uncared for and as a result, they try to be loud, tyrannical and cut everyone down.
Blaming is an attempt to standup for one's self and have never learned to do it in a way that values the self, the other person and fits the context.
THE COMPUTER OR SUPER REASONABLE
The person shows no emotion or affect. They are calm, cool, collected and oftentimes referred to as a 'computer". Keeping one's self as motionless as possible and think as hard as possible about being proper and correct. Functions with context only, and uses data and logic to rationalize everything. They may not know how to feel nor to express their feelings with words. Their responses tend to be intellectual, authoritative, and reasonable and come as a lecture to the other person.
IRRELEVANT
They do things or say things that are irrelevant to the context, and reality, or the other person. Distractors cannot focus on a subject, they change focus consistently, and attempt to distract others from the issue. When asked a question they often do not answer it directly and may respond with a joke, offer lightness, or entertain the groups to laugh.
They might be labeled as the jester or clown that tends to be lopsided, constantly spinning, and hyperactive.
Satir believes that all people possess the necessary coping resources to face life’s challenges, though some may have yet to access these resources or may view any or all of them negatively. People always do the best they can at any given time. Even destructive or otherwise negative behaviors serve to indicate the best coping possible at that time.
Think about it:
When it comes to the behaviors:
FACTS/SENSE INFORMATION: What information are my senses telling me? What am I hearing, seeing, and experiencing?
STORY: What meanings do I make of what I hear, see, and experience?
CONTEXT: What is the context around the behaviors that I hear/see/experience?
When it comes to coping stances:
What coping stances do you notice for yourself? (This might vary depending on who you are interacting with and the context)
When, where and with whom do you notice this pattern?
What resources do you use when you notice this pattern emerging?
P.S. I am curious to know how this initial exploration is received… what are your thoughts about the importance of the inner critic? Do share in the chat or comment here on what is surfacing for you.
This work might also be triggering you to further hyper-aroused mode, so please be gentle and give yourself grace and compassion as you are exploring this. Perhaps invite a friend who can work with you on these prompts and can help in co-regulation.
Hiraya manawari,
Lana