GIVING OURSELVES GRACE BY BEFRIENDING OUR INNER CRITIC (Part 3)
This is a 4-part article exploring the Inner Critic through Satir's Personal Iceberg Model
There is an old Taoist parable called Sāi Wēng Lost His Horse about a poor Chinese farmer in a poor country village. Among the town’s folks, he was considered rich because he owned a horse which he used for plowing and for transportation. One day his horse ran away. All the neighbors said how terrible this was, but the farmer simply said "Maybe."
The horse returned a few days later. This time he brought two wild horses with it. The neighbors celebrated his good fortune, but the farmer just said "Maybe."
The next day the farmer's son tried to ride one of the wild horses; the horse threw him and broke his leg. The neighbors expressed how sorry they are for his misfortune, but the farmer again said "Maybe."
Shortly after, the emperor declared war on a neighboring nation and ordered all able-bodied men to come fight—many died or were badly maimed. When the conscription officers came to the village to take young men for the army they rejected the farmer's son because of his broken leg. When the neighbors exclaimed how lucky he was, the farmer replied "Maybe." . . .
What is this story teaching us?
THE IMPORTANCE OF PERCEPTION
In Virginia Satir’s Personal Iceberg model, our perceptions lie under feelings about our feelings.
Perceptions are assumptions we have, biases we carry, and importantly, the ideas that we believe are fundamentally true, and our values. Understanding our perception allows us to become more self-aware and introspective. By being aware of how we perceive ourselves, we can identify any biases, misconceptions, or limiting beliefs that may be holding us back. Unpacking perceptions and reframing them are important for us to learn and have greater awareness of our behavioural patterns and tendencies.
“Whatever you perceive is what you believe. Your world is the outcome of what you perceive” - Virginia Satir
Perception plays a crucial role in how we understand ourselves because it shapes our reality and influences our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. Our perception is like a filter through which we interpret the world around us, including how we see ourselves. It affects how we perceive our strengths, weaknesses, successes, failures, and overall self-image.
It is important to:
surface our perceptions
become aware on how our feelings and perceptions interact
reframe our perceptions
SURFACING OUR PERCEPTIONS
Mental models are frameworks or representations that we use to understand the world around us. They are cognitive shortcuts that help us interpret information, make decisions, and solve problems. Mental models are built based on experiences, beliefs, values, education, and culture. These models can be conscious or unconscious and play a crucial role in shaping our thoughts, behaviors, and perceptions of reality.
James Clear, author of the book “Atomic Habits” have written extensively about mental models and how we can think Better and Gain a Mental Edge and train our brains to think in new ways.
Yet, you might have experienced it that your perceptions carried exaggerated or irrational thoughts that led you to negative emotions and behaviors. These cognitive distortions are thought patterns that can cause us to perceive reality inaccurately, leading to negative emotions and behaviors. These distortions can impact how we perceive ourselves, others, and the world around us. They can happen for various reasons, including past experiences, upbringing, societal influences, and personal beliefs. These distortions often develop over time and can become ingrained in our thought processes.
Some common ways cognitive distortions occur include:
“all-or-nothing”/ polarized thinking - where things are seen as black or white with no grey areas in between
blaming- where we hold others responsible for our negative emotions rather than taking ownership of our feelings and reactions
catastrophizing - where we anticipate the worst possible outcome in a situation
control fallacies - there are two types: believing we have no control over our lives (external control fallacy) or feeling overly responsible for everything that happens (internal control fallacy)
disqualifying the positive - where we discount positive experiences by insisting they "don't count"
fallacy of fairness- where we need everything to be “fair” according to our own parameters
filtering - where we focus only on the negative aspects of a situation and ignore the positive ones
jumping to conclusions- where we make negative interpretations or hasty judgments without concrete evidence
labeling - where we apply harsh labels to ourselves or others based on errors or shortcomings
overgeneralization - where we draw broad conclusions based on limited or on a single event or piece of evidence. Words like “always,” “never,” “everything,” and “nothing” are frequent
personalization- where we blame ourselves for events outside of our control or attributing external events to our actions
should statements- where we use critical "shoulds," "musts," or "oughts" to motivate ourselves or others, leading to feelings of guilt and anger
UNHELPFUL THINKING STYLES
By recognizing these distortions and reframing them with more balanced and realistic thoughts, we can improve their mental health and well-being. Strategies such as keeping a thought journal, seeking alternative explanations, and practicing mindfulness can help combat cognitive distortions and cultivate a more well-rounded mindset.
“We must not allow other people's limited perceptions to define us.” - Virginia Satir
UNPACKING OUR PERCEPTIONS
Here are other questions to help unpack perceptions in a given situation:
What are my thoughts, perceptions, or beliefs about myself in this given situation?
For each of those perceptions, what is the earliest memory of that belief? When was the first time I felt like this?
How did the experiences with my family of origin influence the feelings I have over my feelings?
What feelings did it bring up as a child?
How have those feelings translated into my adulthood?
What about this moment that is pulling up that belief?
How did I respond the first time I felt like this?
What did I need at that moment that I didn’t get?
Is there any evidence that my needs will be ignored or overlooked now?
Is there any evidence that this negative belief I have about myself is true in this new situation?
P.S.
Initially I thought this will be a 3 part series, but ti turns out, I have more thoughts around the Satir Personal Iceberg model than I thought :D So stay tuned to the last one!
How are you so far with this series? Any insights coming up for you? If you are benefiting from this work, can I ask a favour and please share it with your friends/colleagues? I would love for more people to understand themselves and surface patterns. This supports in creating a more healing-centered world!
Hiraya manawari,
Lana