HIGH ANXIETY ALERT, CHECK-INS, AND REQUESTS
Today is the day!
Today is the mammogram and with that it can show if there is more than the affected skin.
I can feel how much anxiety I have about the procedure as it can go from “we got it in time” to “we need further biopsy because of the tumors found in the scan”.
I woke up with a very tense energy and I am even writing this at 6am to get the thoughts and feelings out. Writing has been a way for me to release some tension and as you probably noticed, my writing has been consistently flowing since the day I found out about the biopsy results!
Checking in with myself is another way for me to gauge how I am doing, what I am feeling, and what I need. It is a tool that I have been using for the past 10 years. It has served me and my family well in ways that has deepened our understanding of ourselves and of each other.
But that hasn’t always been the case. I never knew about checking in with myself not until I was 36, highly frustrated with my husband for not messaging or calling me after I just had chemotherapy and was all alone at home.
Every second that passed, my irritation grew. Thoughts like “why hasn’t he contacted me?”, “Why didn’t he ask me how I am doing?” came in such a lightning speed and with so much frustrations and expectations.
And then it happened.
Like a brick fell on my head and I had one of the biggest epiphanies in my life.
“Why was it that I was waiting for someone else to ask me how I am doing?”
That started me in the trajectory of asking myself: “Lana, how are you? How are you feeling? What do you need?”
And to ground me in this practice of checking in with myself, I made three alarms throughout the day- 9am, 12noon and 6pm. Every time I heard the phone alarm, I would stop whatever it was that I was doing and check in with myself. I had that alarm for a year, and I practiced checking in diligently.
It was so obvious that our son, who was 5 years old at that time, asked me what I was doing and I told him what it was. I taught our kids and my husband what checking in with one’s self and with each other meant. Our impressionable and highly empathetic son then came home one day and blurted out, “you know Mama, I will check in with you after I come home.”
And he did. 10 years on and a budding 15 year old he is still regularly checking in on me. My daughter and husband as well.
Checking in has been such a part of my life that I wish everyone can take this practice in.
It is serving me now as I understand the depths of the anxiety I am feeling and it’s helping me to find ways in which I can relieve myself or find support in navigating the tension.
Checking in has allowed for me to reconnect to those parts of me that fall below the waterline (underneath our behaviors and coping stances). In Virginia Satir’s work on her personal iceberg these are:
Our feelings
Our feelings about our feelings
Our perceptions
Our yearnings
Our essence
When I peel each layer and allow myself grace to sit with each one, I am amazed as to how much it reflects back to me what is most essential. Checking in with all these parts allow for a depth of inquiry that make it possible to navigate the situation easily. Or in this case, it allows for me to give voice to my anxieties and not repress them, set them aside, chastise them, or rationalize or compartmentalize them.
Checking in is such a powerful tool that opens a level of understanding to one’s state of being. The quality of information deepens each time I check in with myself as I learn more and more cues and information about myself and my body.
A big part of the checking in allowed for me to have a closer relationship with my body and how this amazing vessel is giving me cues in my interoceptive, and nervous system states. (more of these I can share later on as I write about the Filipino practice of “pakikiramdam or listening with the third ear”)
Check ins are simple ways to get awareness and clarity, which is also why I wrote these 80 check-in prompts for kids. It’s my way of helping families and schools to start having this practice built in to their systems.
When we practice checking in, not only are we allowing ourselves the opportunity to explore what is inside of us, it also gives us the language to express it with others.
Checking in also helps us to ask for consent.
“Are you available now?”
“Is this a conversation that you would like to have?”
“Would you be willing to…”
“Can I share something with you?”
These are just some of the questions that naturally flow within our household as we check in with each other around our willingness and state of mind to be engaged with each other’s stories and experiences.
As each one of us checks in with each other about our availability to hold and give space at that given moment, we also understand what is within each other’s capacity to be present. This also allows flexibility in requesting for attention, more attuned ways of sharing our connection requests, and managing of each other’s expectations.
MY REQUEST
So if you happen to read up until here, do know I am highly anxious and asking me how I am doing can add up to that.
My request for today and in the days I have hospital visits, don’t ask me how I am doing. Ask me other check in prompts instead.
Here are other questions and requests you might want to try:
how are you leaning into bravery today?
who is supporting you in going to the procedures?
what are you most looking forward to after today?
would it serve you if I contact you after the procedure or shall we set a time to talk on a day you won’t have procedures done?
would you like some company after you come back from the hospital?
are you looking for some distraction? And if yes, want to take a walk or talk over the phone with me?
IF YOU ARE NEW TO CHECKING IN:
My suggestions are:
Start with the basics of asking “how are you feeling? what do you need?”. Use the NVC feelings and needs cards to have the language easily available for you.
Create a rhythm or cadence in which you will be practicing this.
To also ground you in this practice, ask for support. Anchors like friends or family members or a check in buddy can greatly help you keep up with the intention of checking in on “what’s alive in you”.