IN BEING "THE LAMP, THE LIFEBOAT, AND THE LADDER"
Finding Meaning in the Aftermath of a Near Death Experience
Today marks the first week after my double mastectomy.
What started out as an easy surgery turned into a life-threatening situation. Less than two hours after being brought back to the room after the surgery, I felt warm. I started sweating. It was then that I noticed the right chest felt like it was tightening. I can only describe it as an expanding balloon with the tightness growing in size to the point that it is getting difficult to breathe.
I had to be rushed back again to the operating room because there was internal bleeding. The situation got a lot of people in a frenzy because I passed out when they were bringing me again to the OR. My blood pressure went so low, that I puked and passed out. The next thing I knew doctors were trying to look for my veins, one tapping my hand vigorously, one on my ankle. It looked like a race to get the infuse going - the doctor got it on my ankle. The nurse who was in the surgery room with me was holding my hand, tapping my cheek to keep me awake, and telling me repeatedly to stay with her.
It was a scene that I have seen many times on ER shows. There was commotion all around me with the surgeon prompting everyone to take their places.
Once we were in the operating room the same very hurried energy was palpable. Doctors and nurses were rushing and I could feel the intensity of the space. Before the anesthesiologist could put the mask on, I shouted and asked them all to stop for a bit and breathe with me before they put me under anesthesia. That settled the room somehow and got them smiling.
The next thing I knew, I was in the recovery ward. I started humming and used some trauma release techniques (pelvic release pose) as I sensed into my body. It was another scare and I knew I needed to get the stuck energies from this experience flowing out of my body.
This was my third “near-miss” for this year.
FINDING INTEGRATION AND MEANING AFTER NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCE
Last night I told my husband my realisation about life.
“We are just learning along as we go along in life.”
For how do we process events like this?
How do we make piece and peace with such life happenings?
How do we integrate and find meaning out of experiences that leave us uncertain? discombobulated?
This is where these lines from Rumi fully resonated with me:
“Be a lamp, or a lifeboat, or a ladder. Help someone's soul heal. Walk out of your house like a shepherd.” -Rumi
What does it mean to be a lamp, a lifeboat, or a ladder?
LAMP: ILLUMINATING THE STRENGTHS
(to illuminate and share wisdom; light to see through the darkness)
When I shared how I asked the OR to be quiet and breathe with me, my dear friend
wrote that I accessed a “ninja level Lana-ness”. I do feel smug recalling the experience as this was something I would never have thought I would advocate for given the situation at hand. Yet all the years of trauma work and training paid off - I was able to sit and be present for what I needed at the moment and bravely asked for it.Looking back when I had the intense allergic reaction to the chemotherapy, I was able to deeply notice my sensations and also advocate for what I needed at that moment. The same thing happened when I was going into sepsis after a blood infection. I knew I had to tell people what was happening and what I was sensing.
These experiences reaffirm my personal strengths in awareness and advocacy. (Something I will write more about on healing-entered ecosystems framework! Stay tuned!).
LIFEBOAT: FINDING SECURITY AND SUPPORT
(a safe space to hold onto; a place of refuge; to carry others through dark or deep waters; to keep us afloat)
On finding refuge with others…
I know in difficult circumstances, the choice to keep to one’s self can be an immediate response. It’s a deeply seated coping stance to preserve our safety and to move ourselves from threats. Yet I am learning more and more about the importance of our “tend and befriend” responses. In the same way that it is innate for us to look for preservation, it is also part of our nature to “flock”.
I am very fortunate to have a very responsive medical team. Their efforts kept me alive and well.
My vitality is also promoted through the efforts of my loved ones who have been pampering me with care and positive energies.
On being a safe space to hold onto…
Days before the surgery I hosted a Refugia event on “What if we can have more?” as a way to lean into the collective energy and healing that happens in these spaces. Today I am offering another healing circle on “Fortifying Our Spaces”.
I feel deeply nourished and held in these spaces of refuge. Knowing that I am contributing to other people’s nourishment and healing in these circles that I facilitate is such a big dopamine high. I feel fulfilled and resourced, and my yearning for contribution and community is deeply met.
Some people expressed their amazement and curiosity on why I was offering these spaces when “I should be resting”. For me, showing up in these times matters. It is not just for myself, but also for others. In these situations, I tune in with my capacities and the energy of the Divine Spirit. I listen deeply to what or who can support the navigating of deep waters.
LADDER: FINDING INTEGRATION AND GROWTH AMIDST ADVERSITY
(support in climbing greater heights)
I have written about post-traumatic growth before as I do believe in the power of salutogenic practices.
Here is what ChatGPT wrote when I prompted it with the question “how can the five domains of post-traumatic growth be used to support integration after near death experiences?”
Post-traumatic growth (PTG) refers to the positive psychological changes that can occur as a result of struggling with highly challenging or traumatic events, including near-death experiences (NDEs). The concept was developed by psychologists Richard Tedeschi and Lawrence Calhoun and encompasses five key domains:
1. Personal Strength
This domain involves recognizing a newfound inner strength and resilience. Individuals may realize they are more capable than they previously believed, fostering a deeper sense of self-confidence and independence.
How it supports integration after an NDE:
• An NDE often forces individuals to confront their own mortality, which can reveal inner strength and courage they didn’t know they had.
• Recognizing this strength can help individuals embrace life more fully, make courageous choices, and pursue personal goals aligned with their newfound insights.
2. Improved Relationships
Experiencing trauma can enhance appreciation for loved ones and deepen interpersonal connections. There’s often a greater willingness to express emotions, communicate authentically, and seek out meaningful relationships.
How it supports integration after an NDE:
• Many people who experience an NDE report a renewed appreciation for the people in their lives and a desire to nurture deeper, more genuine connections.
• This can lead to healing strained relationships, fostering forgiveness, and prioritizing quality time with loved ones.
3. Greater Appreciation for Life
After a traumatic event, individuals may develop a profound gratitude for life, often taking nothing for granted. There is a newfound ability to find joy in simple, everyday moments.
How it supports integration after an NDE:
• NDEs frequently involve experiences of peace, beauty, or love that leave individuals with a renewed appreciation for being alive.
• This appreciation can help ground individuals in the present moment, reduce anxiety about the future, and foster a sense of contentment with the here and now.
4. New Possibilities
The experience of trauma can open individuals to new possibilities in life, leading them to explore new interests, hobbies, or career paths. It can stimulate creativity and inspire changes in lifestyle or priorities.
How it supports integration after an NDE:
• After an NDE, individuals often feel a strong pull toward living more authentically, which can lead them to pursue new interests or life paths they might have previously ignored.
• This domain encourages embracing change and taking risks that align with the deeper purpose or insights gained from the NDE.
5. Spiritual Development
For many, trauma prompts a deeper spiritual or existential exploration. This domain involves seeking a greater understanding of life’s meaning, spiritual beliefs, and connection to something greater than oneself.
How it supports integration after an NDE:
• Many individuals report profound spiritual or mystical experiences during an NDE, leading them to explore spirituality more deeply afterward.
• Engaging with spiritual practices, communities, or teachings can help individuals integrate the transcendental aspects of their NDE into everyday life, providing a sense of peace and purpose.
PAGMUMUNI-MUNI : REFLECTIVE QUESTIONS TO SUPPORT INTEGRATION AND FIND MEANING AFTER A NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCE:
In this space of integration and processing the experiences not only of the surgery but also the other medical emergencies that happened this year, I return and reconnect to my essence.
As I process these experiences in the next few days, I remind myself to focus on essential questions. Here are some of what I will be reflecting on for the next couple of weeks:
PERSONAL STRENGTHS
What did I see, feel, or understand during my NDE that felt most significant?
What did I learn about my strengths or capacities during my NDE?
How can I remind myself of these strengths when adversity strikes?
What new skills, practices, or habits am I integrating as a result of my experience?
APPRECIATION OF LIFE
What was I most aware of during my NDE? How does that awareness change my view of life?
Are there parts of my NDE that I am still trying to understand or accept?
What daily practices or rituals can help me stay connected to the insights I gained?
What actions can I take to live more congruently and in alignment with the wisdom I received?
NEW LIFE PATH AND POSSIBILITIES
What aspects of my life no longer feel aligned with who I am after my NDE?
What new paths or interests have emerged for me after my NDE?
Are there dreams or goals I’ve been ignoring that I now feel inspired to pursue?
What is one small change I can make today to honor the insights from my NDE?
RELATING TO OTHERS
What relationships or connections have become more meaningful to me after my NDE?
How has my NDE changed the way I see my relationships with others?
What relationships do I feel called to strengthen or repair?
How can I use my experience to contribute to the well-being of others or my community?
SPIRITUAL CHANGE
How has my understanding of spirituality or the meaning of life changed after my NDE?
What spiritual practices or beliefs do I feel called to explore further?
Did my NDE provide any insights about the purpose of life? How do I interpret those insights now?
What new questions about existence, reality, or the universe have arisen for me since my NDE?
Dear readers,
Thank you to those who sent lovely messages! I am deeply nourished by the care I am receiving and recovering well. I am curious to know from those who had near-death experiences how they processed their experiences.
My wish is that through sharing these musings, we can create a collective field of knowing and practicing. After all, we are learning as we go along, and may the insights I shared be a lamp, a lifeboat, or a ladder for someone else.
Hiraya manawari,
Lana