IS IT REALLY IRONIC?
When faced with adversity, do we dive into the irony of it all, or do we find the silver linings?
The other day Facebook Memories reminded me of this post that I wrote 9 years ago.
And yesterday, while sitting in the waiting room of AVL to start my first of four rounds of chemotherapy, my first thought was, oh isn’t that ironic?
Yet I felt a deep “no” in my body as I heard the question in my mind.
As someone who has been training for the past 10 years to reconnect and listen to my body, I had to give pause and reflect on what this really means for me.
WHAT IS IRONIC ANYWAY?
Feeding my curiosity, I had to look up its etymology. Thanks to Grammarphobia for this:
Here’s a little etymological family tree, starting with “irony,” the first of the family to make it into English.
We acquired “irony” from the Latin ironia, and ultimately from the earlier Greek eironeia, which the OED defines as meaning “dissimulation, ignorance purposely affected.”
In it’s original, classical sense, the word referred to a rhetorical method (sometimes called “Socratic irony”) in which a teacher or someone involved in a debate would feign ignorance in order to draw out a student or an opponent.
When the word was adopted into English in the early 1500s, the OED says, it meant “a figure of speech in which the intended meaning is the opposite of that expressed by the words used; usually taking the form of sarcasm or ridicule in which laudatory expressions are used to imply condemnation or contempt.”
It was first recorded in English, spelled “yronye,” in a devotional manual (or “ordinary”) called The Ordynarye of Crystyanyte or of Crysten Men (1502). The writer gave “irony” both a religious meaning and a grammatical one…. “Ironical” and “ironically” came into English at the same time and were first recorded in the same place: Abraham Fleming’s A Panoplie of Epistles (1576), a book on rhetoric…
Here are the OED‘s definitions: The adverb “ironically” means “in an ironical manner; by way of irony.” The adjective “ironical” means “of the nature of irony or covert sarcasm; meaning the opposite of what is expressed.”
“Ironic,” the latecomer, didn’t appear until 1630. The OED defines it as “pertaining to irony; uttering or given to irony; of the nature of or containing irony.”
It first appeared in print in Ben Jonson’s comic play The New Inne: Or, the Light Heart, in these lines: “Most Socratick Lady! / Or, if you will Ironick! gi’ you joy / O’ your Platonick Love ….” (These are Jonson’s italics.)
These words stopped me in my tracks “usually taking the form of sarcasm or ridicule in which laudatory expressions are used to imply condemnation or contempt.”
I had to really think about this and what it signifies for me.
What synchronistic encounter it was to read
‘s post on about “finding signal out of noise” (where he also named this substack as one of his favourites! Do check out the other 49 that he mentioned!)His post nudged me about the importance of language and how to be keen in noticing the use of words or phrases and how it supports my mental models.
When I told myself “oh isn’t it ironic?” it was because, that was the framing I was subjected to for most of my life. My personal experiences, family experiences, cultural and societal experiences, the emphasis that I have learned was around the “deficits” and what was lacking. It also surfaced deep feelings of contempt or condemnation that I had to properly reflect on and unpack. Good thing I have Satir’s personal iceberg model to assist me with the unpacking of this inner critic talk!
10 years ago with my first breast cancer diagnosis, I started this unlearning process on understanding myself deeper, including the patterns on how I speak about myself and my experiences, and as you probably can see now, it isn’t an easy framing to shift. I had to notice and catch myself at that moment when that thought crept up on me. I was fortunate to have Tijn’s language of “signal spotting” as an inspiration to dig deeper.
So rather than finding the “irony” in it at, I started looking for signals out of the noise.
And this is where it led me to… deep gratitude.
GRATITUDE FOR MY CIRCLE OF SUPPORT AND LOVE
The night before chemo day, I did a visualisation of me being surrounded from top to toe with bright white light. What surfaced also in that visualisation are the faces of love ones holding hands around me. And I was immensely bathed with warmth and care. There were too many faces in the circle. Some I have not even met physically yet been bonded by openness and deep sharing online. Some I have not seen for a long time, yet know that deep connections are there. There were some who were part of my innermost circle of relationships and there were those who value and trust in my life who I keep to heart and I know that they have me in theirs.
Just the idea of such a wide net of support and love filled me with so much nourishment and rootedness. Something to be grateful about considering that loneliness is an epidemic with The World Health Organization (WHO) declaring to be a pressing global health threat. The US surgeon general even said that its mortality effects are equivalent to smoking 15 cigarettes a day!
Nearly one in four people worldwide -- which translates into more than a billion people -- feel very or fairly lonely, according to a recent Meta-Gallup survey of more than 140 countries. Notably, these numbers could be even higher. The survey represents approximately 77% of the world’s adults because it was not asked in the second-most populous country in the world, China. - Almost a Quarter of the World Feels Lonely
I shared this visualisation with the people I saw in the circle and immediately I got an overflow of loving responses. This made my bucket filled and more!
GRATITUDE FOR THE NEW INSIGHTS AND NEW PRACTICES
Before going to the hospital, I had sudden thought to create a new practice for our family.
I knew it’s going to be tough times ahead for us.
To prepare myself and my family, I knew it’s important for us to stand within our own AGENCY. Taking inspiration from
‘s post on “How to Be Agentic” , and on how we as a fractal can encourage agency within ourselves and as a collective that I was inspired from by , I was on the look-out for something else to introduce to our family.A fractal is a never-ending pattern. Fractals are infinitely complex patterns that are self-similar across different scales. They are created by repeating a simple process over and over in an ongoing feedback loop.
How we are at the small scale is how we are at the large scale. The patterns of the universe repeat at scale. There is a structural echo that suggests two things: one, that there are shapes and patterns fundamental to our universe, and two, that what we practice at a small scale can reverberate to the largest scale.
-adrienne maree brown, Fractals: The Relationship Between Small and Large / Fractales: la relación entre lo pequeño y lo grande.
Again the signal spotting helped.
When
wrote about The Hum’s experience on What we learned from a 3-month co-living experiment, I was instantly intrigued by the Community Mastery Board that was introduced. Further nudging happened when in another post by fellow The Hum collaborator, Jocelyn Ames on “Community Mastery” she also wrote about their use of this board. So I decided to create our own board.
The intentions are to surface areas that we need more attention and care to, plus a collective sense making on who has the capacity to do those tasks surfaced.
Our board now consists of AWARENESS, AGENCY and REQUESTS.
Awareness- what are we noticing? What needs care?
Agency - who has capacity? What’s within your power?
Requests - what would make our lives nourishing? What needs our time, energy, and attention?
Given that our kids are 15 and 16, I am confident that we can go about this in exploration to:
💥 broaden our capacity to notice what needs tending in our home
💥 deepen our practice of tuning in with their capacities to contribute to our collective flourishing
💥enrich our communication skills on what our yearnings are, and,
💥 overall to practice consent and agency within ourselves and with each other.
This will be an experiment that we will try for the next 90- days. Yet I am grateful for the possibilities it can open up for our family and our practices when it comes to supporting ourselves and each other. And what this fractal practice can reverberate at the large scale! So stay tuned to this experiment!
GRATITUDE FOR MY BODY AND MY SENSE-MAKING
Lastly, I also had time to process yesterday’s chemo experience.
I would be honest, the chemo session did not end well at all.
I had such intense reaction to the drug that the doctor called in for the second time that it’s a no-go for now.
I had to admit to her that I agreed.
I was sensing my body throughout the ordeal. Looking for signals on what my body would tell me.
And it did.
I told them of the pain I started feeling.
Of the difference and intensity on how things were building.
My body signaled me all that I can receive and I articulated them well for the nurses to hear me.
And I am truly grateful for their “pakundangan” , care and attention.
I felt seen, heard, validated and taken cared off throughout the half day experience.
I left feeling groggy, in pain, yet highly appreciative of my body’s wisdom and my ability to hear what she was telling me.
I feel proud that I can advocate for my needs and that the nurses are so open and accommodating.
I know my privilege for the type of care that I received knowing that this might not be the experience of many.
I feel hopeful that although this is a setback from what I wished for, it was also a big realization of where I have come from 10 years ago when I first had my breast cancer diagnosis.
10 years ago, I wouldn’t have been so easy for me to tune in with my needs let alone what my body was telling me.
10 years ago, I would have felt uncomfortable sharing what I was feeling let alone have the granularity on how to express them.
10 years ago, I would have tried to even hide my discomfort in the effort of “going through it”.
I have come a long way from who I was to who I am when the first treatments started 10 years ago!
Even though I initially found it ironic that facebook reminded me that 9 years ago was my last chemo, and yesterday’s experience was not as great, yet deeply satisfying and definitely a silver lining, are the deep gratitude I felt and received from those around me, the insights that are forming, and the signals that I am picking up on, and especially with what I have learned about myself and my trust in my body.
So rather than seeing the “irony” of things, I like the invitation from Tijn to “spot the signals amidst the noise” and to really tune in.
What am I picking up on?
What is it that I am noticing?
What are the silver linings?
What possibilities are opening up for me?
And may these signals offer new ways of seeing, feeling, and being in this world.
P.S. I really am curious what you are sensing after such a post. Drop me a line or connect with me.
I write about healing-entered ecosystems centred around commitments of care, connection, collaboration, and community and how we can facilitate that in ourselves, in our professional lives, within communities and organizations. If this is something you are interested about, do send me a message to arrange for a virtual tea/coffee.
Hiraya manawari,
Lana
(Ancient Tagalog phrase for “Hope this comes to pass/May you reach our dreams”)
As we encounter more and more reasons to feel discouraged, learning to see past the 'obvious' (noise?) and being able to see new signals guiding us in new thriving directions. Thank you Lana!
Happy to have met you now.
Lana just read it. I’m in awe with your capacity to move from irony and the “meh” feeling post chemo challenges to the teachings and creating practices and moving us. You’re a true teacher ❤️ thank you thank you thank you