IS IT REALLY MINE TO CARRY?
Exploring Generational Trauma
I was messaging a dear friend and we exchanged sentiments on what is weighing heavily in our hearts. It’s one of those periods where I feel the deep longing for ease not just on my medical journey but also professionally and financially. Working for myself for more than a decade now, I have experienced the ebbs and flows of projects.
Yet this period now is different.
I opted to stay away from committing myself in paid projects given the uncertainties of what I will be going through for this year. I do recognise the privilege in our family situation where financially we are able to make do with our immediate needs with just my husband’s salary alone. Yet, this space of “making do” is not easeful.
There are priorities that need to be set and deliberate choices on how we can use our limited resources. This morning I found myself feeling the contractions in my body as I think of the “what if” scenarios and “how can we questions” that swirled in my head when I broached the topic of money with my husband.
These contractions and heaviness stayed with me for some time and in a conversation with Havening and resilience coach, Beth Derry (her work on Lovely Messy Humans is amazing!!!), I shared with her how much of these bodily reactions I can connect with my upbringing where the experience of “never enough money around” was very common especially when my mom was getting treated for breast cancer.
My nervous system gets on high alert when it comes to resources dwindling.
Mainly because I haven’t fully given space to the grief of the life experiences I had as a teenager, when our scrupulous father swindled money and my mom had to repay his debts that left us selling our house and belongings, to when my mom was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer and was in and out of the hospital for treatments. Not only was I on high alert on my mother’s physical needs, I was also on high alert on the financial needs for her medical expenses.
When the oncologist told us that further surgery will only lessen her quality of life and there was nothing more they can do, at 23 years old, I had to make the call of not bringing her to the hospital anymore. I carried that weight of responsibility with me. Even though I know logically that was the best decision at the moment, there is still a big part that wished “if only we had more resources”.
Unpacking these sentiments around longing for financial ease, there are also other voices that surfaced. Parts like…
The trusting part- I know and truly believe that we will be able to make through this period. That the Divine Spirit is providing us and will provide for us.
The realistic part- I know this might feel scary and the uncertainty is getting you nervous, yet this is not like before. You have more opportunities and resources than you did when you were in your 20s, not to mention the loving support of people around you.
The compassionate part- It is indeed nerve wracking to be in this space. It is ok to give space to the sadness and the wish for ease.
The part that loves diving in the deep- Is this really about this period? Or is it something that you have been carrying from your ancestry? Your grandmother had her share of struggles as a widow raising 4 young kids. Your mom has her struggles with what your father did that got your family financially in trouble. I can imagine tracing back, there have been financial woes in your lineage. It has not (never) been easy, even before you, hasn't it?
That last part hit me hard.
CARRYING GENERATIONS OF TRAUMA
In "It Didn't Start with You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle," author Mark Wolynn delves into the concept of generational trauma. He explores how the experiences and emotional wounds of our ancestors can influence our lives today.
"It Didn't Start With You" offers a framework for understanding how our ancestors' unresolved traumas can shape our lives through:
Transmission Across Generations: Wolynn suggests that unresolved trauma can be passed down through families. Children of parents who experienced trauma in their own childhoods may unknowingly inherit patterns of behavior or emotional responses. These patterns may manifest as anxiety, depression, addiction, or unhealthy relationship dynamics.
Biological and Social Transmission: Two potential mechanisms for this transmission are biological factors (epigenetics might play a role in how trauma is passed down)and socially, where children learn from their caregivers' coping mechanisms and emotional responses, potentially inheriting unhealthy patterns.
Impact on Present Behaviors: Wolynn suggests how these inherited patterns from past generations can influence present behaviors and emotional responses. For example, a parent who experienced childhood abandonment might struggle with attachment issues, impacting their parenting style and their child's sense of security.
Breaking the Cycle: By recognizing the patterns and triggers in our lives that stem from our family history, we can begin to heal and develop healthier coping mechanisms.
Wolynn suggests that understanding and addressing these deep-seated issues can be crucial for healing. In the book he provided tools and techniques to help individuals identify these patterns and rewrite their narratives.
THE CONCEPT OF THE “CORE LANGUAGE APPROACH”
“When fragments of past trauma play out inside us, these fragments leave behind clues in the form of emotionally charged words and sentences that often lead us back to unresolved traumas.” - Mark Wolynn
The "Core Language Approach," is a method proposed by Wolynn to uncover and articulate the hidden traumas that have been transmitted across generations. By identifying specific language patterns and emotional themes that recur in families, individuals can start to piece together the puzzle of their inherited pain.
According to Wolynn,
“The unspoken experiences that live in our unconscious are all around us. They appear in our quirky language. They express in our chronic symptoms and unexplainable behaviors. They resurface in the repetitive struggles we face in our day-to-day lives. These unspoken experiences form the basis of our core language. When our unsconscious breaks down our door to be heard, core language is what we hear.
The emotionally charged words of our core language are keys to the non declarative memories that live both in our bodies and in the “body” of our family system. They are like gems in our unconscious waiting to be excavated. If we fail to recognise them as messengers, we miss important clues that can help us unravel the mystery behind our struggles. Once we dig them out, we take an essential step toward healing trauma.”
So how do we recognise our core language?
Core language are the intense or urgent words that we use to describe our deepest fears. These are terms we use in complaining about our experiences or life situations that may feel out of context or disconnected from our bodies or from the core of ourselves.
“Unresolved traumas from our family history spill into successive generations, blending into our emotions, reactions, and choices in ways we never think to question” - Mark Wolynn
As we learn to unpack our core language, we can then have the opportunities to untangle ourselves from the ways we have been reliving the traumas of the past. Understanding what belongs to us and what stems from our family history is a very deep process. I have been delving into mine for more than a decade already and there are still a lot that surfaces.
Wolynn offered 4 steps in constructing your core language map and with each step he also offered a tool to extract new information.
The Core Complaint
The Core Descriptors
The Core Sentence
The Core Trauma
“IT HAS NOT (NEVER) BEEN EASY”
The exercise that Wolynn suggested was to focus on a pressing problem that feels most overwhelming to you. It can be something that you recognise and feel that you’ve had for most of your life. The invitation os to write things down and not to edit one’s self in the narration. You can write down about the shift you want to see or experience and what feels important for you. Other questions he proposed were:
What is the deepest issue you want to heal?
If the feeling or symptom or condition you have never goes away, what would you be afraid could happen to you?
After writing all of these down, scan it lightly and take note of words or phrases that stand out or seem unusual.
What language seems to jump out?
What words call out to be noticed?
What words have a strong weight or emotional resonance to them?
What words have a quality of urgency?
What words do not fit entirely in your current situation?
What words seem peculiar?
When I do this exercise, I often remind myself and those people I am facilitating the session with to “listen with their third ear”. This deep sensing or “pakikiramdam” is a way of feeling & sensing that goes beyond what is on the surface level. It’s heightened empathy & sensitivity.
In the situation that I explored, the core complaint that came up for me was “it has not (never) been easy”.
Right now after writing all these, I am still wrapping my head around this sentence. How am I processing it even more?
How am I using this as a compass to unpack generations of unexplained family grief and pains?
I don’t have the answers yet.
For now, I am taking in this awareness of how deeply embedded this core complaint is.
P.S. If you are exploring your own core language map, kudos to you for taking such a brave step! I know it is challenging yet rewarding and I am here with you in this journey of uncovering the past to heal the present and be hopeful for the future.
Hiraya manawari,
Lana