LEANING INTO GRACE
I just finished a heartwarming call with a friend of mine. We are both going through this phase in our lives where cancer has a prominent space. In between tears we shared how much of this period is teaching us about ourselves, how we want to show up for life, in life, and with life. We also talked about finding grace in this liminal space. This limbo which we are immersed in (Interestingly, we both are facilitators to a queer, LGBTIQA+ refugee program called LIMBO!).
I can’t exactly remember the times in my adult life (pre-breast cancer) where I used the term grace before. It was only when I was first diagnosed with breast cancer in 2014 that I got used to finding goodness, grace, and gratitude. This was also the name of the blog where I shared my thoughts and experiences with breast cancer treatments.
Grace, what do we really mean by it anyway?
How do we know if we are practicing grace?
Who do we give grace to?
Where in our lives need more grace?
Why is it even important?
These are just some of the questions that pop up for me as I think about grace.
And then memories come rushing in…
the many times I was shown grace by others
the many times I showed grace to others
the times grace came in delightfully unexpected
Memories that when I think about them I feel the rush of warmth flooding through my body. Every fiber of my being enveloped with deep sense of care, of witnessing, of holding space, and of humility.
There is a profound humility that I am tuning into when I think of grace. A humbleness born out of feeling cared for, feeling loved, and feeling worthy.
SO WHAT DO WE MEAN BY GRACE?
Grace came from the Latin word “gratus” meaning pleasing, thankful, related to gratitude. Yet for me grace is an honouring, forgiving, and act of kindness that we give and receive from others.
When I offer myself and others grace, I am practicing compassion and finding the good in myself and in others.
Practicing and living in grace means intentionally interacting with the world from the lens of goodwill and kindness.
Giving grace also means surrendering and opening up my grip to let go of those that I am tightly holding on to.
Grace also means tending to the parts of me and of others that need care, holding space for, acknowledging, and listening to.
Grace is deepening our understanding and attunement with one’s self and with each other.
According to Kristen Powers author of Saving Grace: Speak Your Truth, Stay Centered, and Learn to Coexist with People Who Drive You Nuts:
“Grace is first and foremost a matter of the heart. It's an orientation toward the world and other people that keeps us from going down the road of judgment and labeling which in the end harms us more than anybody else…But the goal of grace is not to erase differences. Rather, grace helps us navigate those differences while honoring the humanity of others and ourselves.”
This brings me back to “pakikipagkapwa”. In Filipino psychology, this means “seeing our shared humanity”.
So how can we see our shared humanity through grace?
Here are graceful practices that are steeped into my Filipino roots:
1. Grace is practicing “pakikiramdam”.
It is listening with the third ear. It’s a way of feeling & sensing that goes beyond what is on the surface level. It’s heightened empathy & sensitivity. What I love the most as a definition is “shared inner perception”.
Pakikiramdam can be done through:
pagmamasid (noticing ) - What are you noticing that needs grace?
pakikisalamuha (interacting with others) - Who are you engaging or mixing with that needs grace?
pagmumuni-muni (reflection)- What thoughts/inner critic narratives are you thinking of that needs grace?
This feeling for another is important in tuning in with yourself and with others, giving space, in observing, and in exploring. Pakikiramdam is being one with other’s experiences & tuning into their world. This emotional a priori helps us connect better and gives us capacity for compassion.
“(There’s) a deep connection between accessing our humanity and sensing wholeness.” - Petra Kuenkel
2. Grace is practicing “pakundangan”.
When we practice deep consideration or “pakundangan”, we show up with reverence, respect/veneration, awe, and care. It also means we are able to step inside their shoes, empathise and even allow for forgiveness.
“Grace is to live in the possibility of what does not exist…"Grace means that you can actually look at the other person recognizing that there's not only things that you don't like — but there’s things that you hate — and still ask yourself: can I be open to the possibility that something can be created where there's nothing right now?" - Yale theologian Dr. Willie James Jennings
One of the ways to practice pakundangan is to use the thinking routine “step inside”
Thinking routines are part of the visible thinking approach developed by Ron Ritchhart from Project Zero, Harvard.
The STEP INSIDE thinking routine can be used to get inside other people’s viewpoints. Three core questions to ask are:
What does the person perceive? (What do this person see, observe or notice?)
What does the person care about? (What might the person feel strongly about?)
What does the person think about or believe? (What might the person know about, understand or believe?)
Using these questions can help us explore and give care and consideration to others.
3. Grace is invoking “hiraya manawari”.
Hiraya, taken from an ancient Filipino word meaning the “fruit of one’s hopes, dreams, and aspirations”, and “manawari” means means “mangyari/matupad” (to happen). Hiraya Manawari is an ancient Tagalog phrase, which literally means “Hope it comes to pass”. Giving grace means aspiring for the wishes of the heart to be granted.
Whenever I sit in this field of unknowing, given all that I have already done, and surrender for what needs to unfold, I am giving grace to the moment. I am trusting what is emerging, and holding hope that how I show up with my presence can meaningfully contribute to those I care for.
Grace is weaving faith, compassion, kindness, forgiveness, empathy, and hope in our daily lives. Grace is letting ourselves and each other be new. Grace gives room and power to become.
P.S. I am curious how this post on grace is stirring you. What for you is grace? What are practices around grace that you notice in your culture? With your families? With the orientation of the world that you grew up in or are learning to embody? Feel free to comment, or reach out. I would love to hear from you!
Hiraya manawari,
Lana
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