LISTENING TO MY YEARNINGS
This morning I woke up with a stuffy nose and felt frustrated for being under the weather. I so long for vitality specially now that I know I will be going through an intense surgery and treatments in the next few months.
When I had breast cancer almost 10 years ago, it took me almost a year and a half to finish all the adjunct therapies. This time around, I am guessing it will take me the whole of 2024 to finish all the rounds of chemo, immunotherapy and of course the double mastectomy that I am waiting for this month. This is without the breasts reconstruction that I opted to do once the treatments are done and my body has recovered from it. Just typing all of these down feels heavy already.
And they are.
Which is why I am bummed about getting a cold, when I “should” be preparing my body for the marathon ahead.
Hearing that “should”, stopped me in my tracks.
Whenever I hear cognitive distortions like “should statements”, I immediately stop and listen to what it is about. Learning about Satir’s Personal Iceberg Model has truly been a blessing! It gave me a way to process such statements with grace and allowed for me to reconnect with my yearnings - yearnings around vitality, aliveness, and ease.
But knowing how to listen and connect to my yearnings was not easy, especially in the beginning about 10 years ago when I started nonviolent communication (NVC) training. Connecting to my needs/longings/yearnings meant that I have the presence and assiduity to gauge “what’s alive in me?”.
I had to cultivate the practice of noticing, tuning in, filtering, and articulating what is stirring inside of me, and connect that to my values, my beliefs, my preferences, my desires.
Having the feelings, pseudo feelings, and needs (yearnings) cards helped me to refine my sense-making. (If you happen to be a friend who has been at our house almost 10 years ago, you would know that the feelings and needs cards from NVC was a big hit in our toilet!)
ON TO DEEPER EXPLORATIONS
Yet there is more to understanding our yearnings than our ability to articulate them. This video from Linda Lucas, LCPC, highlighted how we can explore yearnings deeply.
Exploring yearnings have opened me up to further inquiry around the experience of having my yearnings met. It encouraged me to reflect on the rules and messages I got from my family (and my culture) around my yearnings.
“All children are geared toward expression. If they are not expressing themselves, they have been stifled by family rules. - Virginia Satir
Virginia believed that all families have unspoken rules that children learn about how they are to be. She identified five rules that are common in families and are destructive to children’s self-worth.
“It’s not okay to express myself— to say what I think and feel.”
“It’s not okay to see and hear what is really going on inmy family.”
“It’s not okay to feel what I feel.”
“It’s not okay to ask for what I want.”
“It’s not okay to take risks.”
Uncovering the layers of my yearnings allowed me to challenge the truthfulness of these beliefs. It also enabled me to notice my resistance and the choices I am making that hinders me from meeting my yearnings.
Deeply listening to yearnings helped me to connect how yearnings can also translate into expectations. Expectations based from:
Mine of other: What do I expect of others?
Mine of my Self: What do I expect of myself when I am feeling like this?
Other of me: What do others expect from me?
Other thinks I have of them: What do they think I expect from them?
When we are in congruence with our yearnings, we are able to explore ways to meet our yearnings that is nourishing not only for us but also those around us. We are also able to amplify what is already working well for us when it comes to having our yearnings met.
How was this exploration around yearnings for you? What is stirring or resonating? How have you been exploring your yearnings? Feel free to message or connect on how this post touched you or inspired you in your inquiry.
Hiraya manawari,
Lana
Thank you Lana for these useful reminders and I love that you mentioned yearnings and link them to expectations, I had a painful encounter this morning which was exactly about this inability to hear the yearning and only see an expectation. I hope the cold passes quickly and you also allow to rest and brace for the challenging months ahead..