SOFTENING INTO THE NEW YEAR
What’s your relationship with “softening”? And even more so, how does “softening” appear in your life?
When I was tuning into what could be a great topic for a Refugia circle for January, the first thing that came to mind was flipping the narratives around the start of the year. Whenever I think of January, I often associate it with a hard, tense, pushing action. There is a demanding energy to “be ready”, “be more productive”, and “have all your ducks in a row”. Is this also your experience?
It isn’t helpful that my birthday falls on January 11, and I often get the signal that I should be " more prepared to tackle not just the new year but also an older, should be wiser me.”
So, the invitation I made for yesterday’s Refugia healing circle is to invite ‘Softening into the New Year” and to reimagine possibilities on how we can invite softness in our lives.
But why soften in the first place? Why is softening relevant?
Exploring "softening" as a healing-centered response involves understanding how consciously relaxing the body and mind can counteract the instinctual fight, flight, fawn, freeze, or flop reactions to stress and trauma.
Dr. Peter A. Levine's work in somatic experiencing offers valuable insights into this area. His book, Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma, discusses how animals in the wild recover from life-threatening situations by physically releasing pent-up energy, a process humans can emulate to heal trauma. Levine suggests that by "softening" and becoming more attuned to bodily sensations, individuals can discharge residual stress energy and restore equilibrium.
Even Dr. Stephen Porges' Polyvagal Theory provides a framework for understanding how the autonomic nervous system regulates stress responses. In our fast-paced, often overstimulated world, the demands placed on our bodies and minds can easily push us into these defensive states. These survival states, while adaptive in moments of immediate danger, can become harmful when chronic. The key to shifting out of these states and into a calm, grounded presence often lies in one powerful yet overlooked part of our nervous system: the vagus nerve.
The vagus nerve, called the "wandering nerve," connects the brain to various vital organs. It acts as a bridge between the mind and body. When functioning well, it fosters a sense of safety and connection. When dysregulated, it can contribute to states of stress, disconnection, and overwhelm.
Polyvagal theory suggests that promoting a state of safety and social engagement can help individuals move away from defensive states like fight, flight, or freeze. "Softening" through social connection and embodied practices can facilitate this shift. Somatic practices—physical, body-centered exercises—offer an accessible and effective way to tone the vagus nerve and support nervous system regulation.
CHECK-OUT: REFUGIA FREE RESOURCE
CULTIVATING CALM: 40 Somatic Practices for Nervous System Relaxation. In this resource, we share 40 simple somatic exercises that can help you move from states of fawn, fight, flight, freeze, or flop into a sense of calm, grounding, and reconnection with yourself.
The Gentle Rhythm of Healing: How Pendulation Softens and Restores
In a previous post on REMEMBERING OUR "INNER REFUGIA", I wrote about the practice of pendulation as a core principle in trauma healing.
Pendulation refers to the natural rhythm of the nervous system as it moves between states of activation (distress, tension, or discomfort) and states of relaxation (calm, ease, or safety). This oscillation is an essential part of processing and integrating overwhelming experiences. The natural ebb and flow encourages the body to process traumatic memories and sensations in manageable doses.
We often use pendulation to move between this constricted state and a more expansive state, where we can feel a sense of ease or openness. This "titration" (introducing small doses of activation or discomfort, allowing the nervous system to process these experiences without becoming overwhelmed or retraumatized) of discomfort prevents overwhelm and promotes integration over time.
For individuals navigating stress or trauma, pendulation offers a gentle way to reset the nervous system and provide small, manageable steps to move from a state of contraction to one of expansion. By alternating between moments of activation and ease, pendulation helps the body relearn the rhythms of resilience and self-regulation, paving the way for deeper healing.
PAGMUMUNI-MUNI/DEEP REFLECTION:
Take a moment to reflect on your current relationship with stress and ease:
When you feel tension or distress, how does it show up in your body? Where do you notice it the most?
Are there moments in your day when you naturally feel calmer or more at ease? What brings you to that state?
How do you typically respond to discomfort or stress? Do you notice a tendency to push through, avoid, or freeze?
Pendulation fosters softening by honoring the body's inherent wisdom and rhythms. At its core, softening invites us to pause, sense, and allow tension to gently release, creating space for calm and restoration. This practice acknowledges that the nervous system thrives when allowed to flow between states of activation and relaxation. Through pendulation, we cultivate a dynamic balance—a dance between discomfort and safety—that teaches the body to trust its capacity to heal and restore.
CHECK-OUT: REFUGIA SELF-PACED COURSE
THE HEALING PRACTICE OF PENDULATION: Navigating Between Activation and Rest. This course is for individuals who want to reconnect with their bodies, honor their capacity for healing, and navigate life’s complexities with greater presence.
SOFTENING INTO THE NEW YEAR
Shifting our narrative and practices around the New Year from tension to ease takes intentionality and attunement. It invites us to look at the different areas of our lives where we can invite softening as a practice. I love using the Post-Traumatic Growth dimensions as areas to consider:
PAGMUMUNI-MUNI/DEEP REFLECTION:
Here are some reflection prompts to guide you in inviting softening in these areas:
1. New Possibilities
Reflection Questions:
What small opportunities or new paths have emerged in your life that feel inviting or manageable to explore?
When you think about stepping into something new, what sensations arise in your body? Can you gently shift your focus between the tension and the excitement?
How can you create moments of rest or reflection to ground yourself as you imagine new possibilities?
2. Personal Strengths
Reflection Questions:
When was the last time you surprised yourself with your strength or resilience? What did that feel like in your body?
Are there moments where pushing through feels too much? How can you allow yourself to soften and honor that rest is also a strength?
How can you pendulate between acknowledging the challenges you’ve faced and celebrating the personal growth that has emerged?
3. Relating to Others
Reflection Questions:
What relationships in your life feel grounding and supportive? How does your body respond when you connect with these people?
When you feel tension in a relationship, can you notice where this shows up in your body and gently pendulate to a moment of connection or ease with that person?
How can you practice softening in conversations by focusing on moments of mutual understanding or care?
4. Spiritual Change
Reflection Questions:
How has your sense of meaning or connection to something greater shifted after your experiences? What aspects of this feel grounding or calming?
Are there spiritual or reflective practices that help you soften when you feel overwhelmed?
When you think about moments of spiritual change, can you notice areas of activation in your body and pendulate toward a sense of peace or expansion?
5. Appreciation of Life
Reflection Questions:
What small, everyday moments bring you a sense of appreciation or joy? How does your body respond to noticing these moments?
When life feels overwhelming, how can you pendulate between acknowledging the stress and grounding in moments of gratitude?
How can softening into the present moment help you more fully experience the beauty or simplicity of life around you?
During the healing circle, a main theme that came out was around “softening in relating to others” and how we can stay aligned with this intention when faced with people whom we would like to disconnect with. I offered these 8 levels of interaction that I adapted from Virgilio Enriquez (father of Filipino Psychology) as a way to assess the level of engagement that they would like to be involved in with people that they interact with.
One of the core principles of pendulation is the focus on creating safety, safety is the foundation of healing. The nervous system cannot relax if it perceives danger. This is also why it’s important to remind ourselves that in setting the intention to invite softness and softening in our day-to-day lives, we can go by the Sociocratic principle of “What’s good enough for now, safe enough to try.” Understanding the level of interaction that you would like to cultivate with a particular person, enables you to create the necessary “good enough for now, safe enough to try” distance or intimacy that is needed in that relationship.
Dear readers,
How was this post for you? As ever, message me or write a comment on how this post lands for you. Softening is a practice that I am learning and unlearning as well and I would love to invite you to this inquiry.
I do hope that through this post you get a glimpse and a taste of the healing circle on Softening into the New Year. My wish is for more people to join us in these intimate explorations. You can find the upcoming events in Refugia. Do join us for the next one on “CHERISH: A Valentine’s Gathering for Couples”, hosted by psychotherapist, author, and Sidewalk Talk founder, Traci Ruble.
Hiraya manawari,
Lana