WHAT TO SAY INSTEAD OF "HOW ARE YOU?" OR "HOW CAN I HELP?"
One of the reasons I started this publication is to create ease in sharing how I am doing, “what’s alive in me, and in broadcasting in one go the thoughts and processes happening inside and outside of me.
When I had my first time experience with breast cancer almost 10 years ago, I wrote about “I know you meant well, but you might want to try these lines instead”. It was a post around what lines to use when engaging with someone like me, someone who is undergoing a change, a journey, a challenge or a transition.
Here are the suggestions I wrote :
Instead of “how are you?” try to start with the line “I was thinking of you” or “you were in my thoughts” in your message.
You don't know how many times we are asked that question in a given day! It can be tiring to do a “body and mental scan” just to give the right answers to how we feel or how we are doing that the temptation to answer “I am doing fine” is so high. At times I blurt it because I do feel fine but couldn't find the words after that to get the conversation going.
And what if in fact I am not fine?
Are you willing to stick around while I lament on all the processes that I am undergoing? My question is would you really want to know and stick around to hear the not so good bits of what I am going through? Because if you don't have the capacity, time or attention to hold space for what I might bring in the conversation (that may be triggering as well), then please don't ask me how I am doing. Best to start with “I was thinking of you” and let your conversation flow from there.
Tell me “ I feel for you and with you. “
Thosewords are more powerful than “be strong”, “you can beat this”, “have faith” or other well meaning sentiments but can just keep me from opening up some more. I admit I react heavily to the words “be strong” “it must be difficult” or “hang in there”. I know these are all coming from a point of good intentions, yet these are also from your point of reference. Someone in my position doesn't necessarily have to be reminded of our difficulties, how we need to face the situation or how we have to fight/ show up for it. Believe me showing up for ourselves is our only mode right now.
Hanging there is not even an option, it is a way of life and being strong is a far better choice than feeling self-pity. We are in this mindset and reality day in and day out.
If you want to connect, instead of adding these lines, perhaps you can say
“I can only imagine what you are going through, are you experiencing pain or discomfort right now?”
Or if you want a spin to the “Be strong” line how about trying this instead?
“ I know you are learning to cope with this situation so I am sending you positive thoughts along your way to give you additional strength.”
When I hear the words be strong, the old me (prior to Nonviolent Communication) will be thinking “I HAVE TO BE STRONG, I HAVE TO BEAT THIS, I HAVE TO HAVE FAITH ALL THE TIME” there is that pressure to perform, pressure to have unwavering faith, pressure to just be positive every minute, every hour and every day.
But this does not mean I am not strong, not hopeful or not keeping faith. It just means I am well aware that there will be days that my strength will fluctuate, that my positivity will be shadowed by despair and that my faith will falter. I don’t have to be like this all the time. I choose to define how I feel without anybody putting those boundaries for me.
I feel for you tells me that you are there, present with the moment with me and not running with your thoughts on what will happen tomorrow, the next day, the next few weeks, a year from now, years from now. No, I don’t want your mind wandering to possibilities. I have my thoughts running around like headless chicken on some days and I know how energy draining that can be. I do not want that for you.
I just want for you to be with me in this moment.
Tell me “I hear you.”
I appreciate people asking what is going to happen and what the next steps will be. It makes me feel that they are concerned and keeping tabs. It makes me feel heard. But please do not keep on asking repeatedly. Dates, information, schedules- all those when shared, please keep it with you because it takes a lot of energy to keep track of everything that is happening and going to happen. It is also difficult to answer the question “how are you” five days or more in a row.
I hear you also means listening to me when I say I am “ok”. I know it might sound strange but there are moments when I am not feeling good and there are moments when I do. I also willingly and wholeheartedly choose to feel more goodness, more grace and more gratitude. This makes me feel centered. This makes me feel more alive than I could be. This makes me feel grateful, given the circumstances, so please don’t deny me of that by not listening to me when I say “ I am ok, truly I am”.
“This is what I can do for you” instead of “What can I do for you?”
“Just tell me what I can do for you” is a line that I get a lot. I find it endearing and yet it can also be overwhelming as it puts in the emphasis for me to think of what I can ask from you. If you are a close friend, you know I will give an answer of what I need or what my family needs. I can be direct when I need help and I am not afraid to admit it.
If we are in the relationship that we don't see each other that often or our communication consists of only birthday greetings or fancy gatherings then I would suggest this line instead “ I know you are offered a lot of help in this situation. If you ever find yourself just wanting to talk or have some company you can message me.”
Why the offer of company?
Because certain needs can easily be asked to family or close friends and at times are already taken cared of by them. But spending time and just hanging together is a good option when we are stuck home and not so much in the mood or energy to go out.
In situations where you want to offer concrete help like cooking a meal or buying me fruits in the market, of course those are welcome. So instead of asking what you can do for me, just throw your suggestions. I am open to ideas. But do these things only if it doesn't bother you at all. When my mind is frail the guilt of being a burden plays on my head like a broken record.
Try to understand “it is not about you but about me”.
I do understand that sharing is caring and that conversations like how a relative, friend or acquaintance have gone through cancer and have been successful are uplifting. But like what I mentioned before, it can be so overwhelming. Connect with me by acknowledging that this is my situation, not a battle won or lost by someone else.
Connect with me by making me feel that I am in your thoughts and prayers but it doesn’t have to be ALWAYS. I know it can never be that, so drop that word for it makes me feel that the offer is more genuine, more authentic. Let’s face it, always is a messed up word. It gives one expectations once it is blurted out. I love you telling me I am in your thoughts and prayers PERIOD. And like I said, this might be too different from what you think of how the word “always” represent but please do remember it is not about you but me.
If you are a friend I knew from before and have not been in regular contact and would like to offer your support, prayers or presence now, I am grateful for it but an email, an sms or in some cases a phone call (talking takes more energy too so I save it only when necessary) is better. I don’t mind the occasional, can I meet up with you ? But please don’t make plans of coming in herds and filling the house because I can’t handle that right now.
Connect with me by sending a message or two and keeping tabs every now and then. Don’t make me feel that your presence is because of “obligation”. You don’t have to come or message just because of my diagnosis specially if you haven’t connected with me for months. I don’t define friendships that way and just to reiterate, it is not about you, but me.
Lastly, if in doubt just ask me “what do you need from me RIGHT NOW?”
Some days it might be easy for me to answer that and in some days I might be grasping for straws as well. But I do appreciate the question because it tells me how deeply you care for me.
When I reply with a thank you, it doesn’t mean I am not grateful. It just means from that moment, I need my time and those are the best words or gestures that I can do to tell you “I see, hear and feel your presence in my life.”
Again these lines are from me, about me, my feelings and my needs. What I offer are alternatives and if you decide to use them in connecting with someone else bear in mind that the other person might have different set of wants and needs.
THIS REMINDS ME OF THE PLATINUM RULE: DO UNTO OTHERS HOW OTHERS WOULD WANT TO BE DONE UNTI THEM.
We all have different ways of caring for others. We also have different ways in which we want to be cared for. In moments like this, lean into the platinum rule for guidance: what would the other person need?
If these words find meaning in another person then I am glad I wrote them.
P.S. Oh I am a hugger so if you ever are here with me physically, keep on giving those hugs and filling my cup with your presence and your strength, not to mention serotonin and oxytocin in my body to give me positive feelings.
