RECEIVING AS AN ACT OF SURRENDER
This is part 1 of this unfurling exploration around receiving
Yesterday I cried deeply after a trip to my in-laws. For the past three years, they have been showering me with jewellery for my birthday. My mother-in law gave my gift yesterday and I was thrilled to see how beautiful it is and how it fits perfectly on my finger.
I did notice though how I fell short in showing my enthusiasm and once we got home, I started reflecting more on what I was experiencing and what it is telling me. I had the sensation of shrinking or retreating, followed by a stream of thoughts that seem to be going deeper into layers of my psyche.
“I don’t want them to be pressed for money.
“They are old, they need to be using their money on themselves, not on me.”
“This is too much.”
And the deepest layer of all…
“I am not worthy of this.”
Have you ever had such an experience where you were lavished with something and found yourself feeling you are not enough to receive it?
That was my experience.
I am glad I had my husband to support me as I entangled all the thoughts and processed things out loud with him. Holding space for another human being can be like that, giving the space to articulate what is going on, and opening the space for the person to slowly uncover the yearnings behind the thoughts.
As I shared, I was confronted with my own family history.
For most of my childhood life, I grew up in a middle income family. I couldn’t recall asking for much, me and my brother were pretty laid back as children and we had enough toys or other stuff that we needed. Yet there was a point where we lost everything we had because of my father’s shady business that my mom didn’t know about.
From being comfortable enough in life, we were entrusted to being without a home, having to sell everything we had, strange men brandishing their guns and demanding payments, and on top of it all, my father left us to deal with his mess. This broke us not only financially, it also broke my mother’s heart.
She was never the same after that. We were never the same after that.
I was 13 years old when these unfolded.
That was when I got introduced to scarcity.
A few years after, my mom got diagnosed with breast cancer. That was when the financial burdens started to hit us, though I was somewhat oblivious of the financial struggles as I was studying in Manila (away from the family) and my mom was the silent type who took everything in on her own. By the time I was finished with University at the age of 19, I was working and earning for myself. I got to experience how to “pamper myself” with my own hard earned money by allotting it to “practical stuff”. Money that I allocated for my day to day, and some I used for tuition fees as I wanted to study further.
Not long after, we received news that the breast cancer has metastasised to her bones. I had to go back from working in Manila to take care of my mom. My mom, and my older brother were living in my grandma’s house at that time. Together, we took turns bringing her to treatments, taking care of her, and making sure we financially can secure her medical needs. It was one of the most difficult periods in my life because it meant having to find the means to finance her hospitalisation, her frequent blood transfusions, and her chemotherapy sessions.
Not having money, literally meant choosing between life and death.
Even though I was working 2 jobs at that time, thoughts of lavishing myself was out of the picture. I also didn’t experience being doted on with gifts since there was hardly anything extra. We were getting by in as much as we could. Until the time that the oncologist gave us the news- we can either go for surgery and save her liver, but it will not change the fact that my mom has only a few months to live. Surgery can take out the tumor present in the liver, but it would mean hampering her quality of life.
So at 23 years of age, I made the call to take my mom out of the hospital in Manila and bring her back home. Two months after (just as what my mom predicted!), at the age of 49, she passed away.
And here I am 24 years after, deeply grieving that I have not had much memories of receiving. Growing up I didn’t have many memories of being gifted with what is considered beyond the practical - the “too much” category. I have for most of my life been the giver. One of my soul sisters oftentimes reprimand me for giving too much. Yet that was how I knew best to show my love and care, and to contribute to their lives.
When I had my first experience with breast cancer, I knew there were things I had to work on. Giving was a big theme back then, almost 10 years ago. I even wrote my experience of being challenged by a coach to “do not offer help for 7 days” which I failed miserably. So miserably that I didn’t even finish day 2! It taught me a lot though, around asking for help, creating a reliable and caring support system, and knowing when to lean into my full yes and my full no.
Now that I am going through breast cancer again, I am nudged to revisit another side to giving - on receiving.
UNTANGLING OVER GIVING WITH GENEROSITY
“Everything that appears in the physical realm is always connected with energy flow at the invisible level.”
Nan Lu
Some readings that I have been exploring have pointed out that one of the most common emotional and psychological patterns of women who get breast cancer is the tendency to be over giving. Caroline Myss shares “The major emotion behind breast lumps and breast cancer is hurt, sorrow and unfinished emotional business generally related to nurturance.” According to the famous book of Bessel van der Kolk , “The Body Keeps the Score”, as long as we don't resolve the trauma, the stress hormones that the body secretes to protect itself from danger keep circulating, and the defensive movements and emotional responses that belong to the past traumatic event keep getting replayed in the present.
“much more than a story about something that happened long ago. The emotions and physical sensations that were imprinted during the trauma are experienced…as disruptive physical reactions in the present. In order to regain control over yourself, you need to revisit the trauma…to find ways to cope with feeling overwhelmed by the sensations and emotions associated with the past.” - Bessel van der Kolk
Throughout the years, I had to untangle over giving with generosity. Understanding my “full yes” helped me know what my needs are around my yeses. It helped me draw boundaries and made me realise which areas in my life that I had very porous boundaries.
“Don't get me wrong: I'll always be a giver. I still see generosity as one of humanity's great natural watersheds—a place where lives can be cleansed, renewed, filtered back toward grace. But a watershed is a delicate ecosystem, so I've learned to watch where I step.” - Elizabeth Gilbert
In the insights that came from untangling over giving with generosity, I learned how important it was to “stop before it hurts”, to preserve my time, energy, and attention, and to find the goodness, grace, and gratitude in life.
Yet what I didn’t unravel was, how it is to receive.
Questions that are coming up for me now are:
How does receiving feel in my body?
What memories do receiving hold?
How can I gracefully receive?
How can I decouple what I am receiving from my inner critic thoughts on self-worth?
And how can I reclaim my ability to receive with open heart, that I deserve to be pampered and lavished on?
RECEIVING AS AN ACT OF SURRENDER
I want to develop an abundance mindset. I want to be able to embody how it is to openly receive and bask on it, rather than feeling the tension and the shrinking in my body. I want to teach my nervous system to relax and retrain my body to what receiving can look like, sound like, and feel like.
I want to move away from the survival response, and lean into learned response of surrendering.
So how can this look like for me?
For me to understand what receiving can be and how to practice it as an act of surrendering, I first need to unravel things more. This is an unfurling process and here are some questions that I am exploring. I hope as you read this that it encourages you to explore these questions as well.
Noticing the patterns
Where, with whom, and when in my life am I strong when it comes to receiving? (Celebrate strengths)
Where, with whom, and when in my life am I challenged when it comes to receiving? (Surface sufferings)
What are the coping stances that I tend to use in these experiences of receiving? (Reflect on stances)
How does my body register receiving? What are my telltale signs of receiving? How am I feeling? (Connect with sensations and feelings)
What thoughts/perceptions/beliefs come up as I think of the word and experience of receiving? What words do I use to express my receiving? (Connect with your thoughts)
What are the narratives that I have around these strengths and sufferings? (Revisit stories)
For each of those perceptions and narratives, what is the earliest memory of that belief? When was the first time I felt like this?
Trace it as further back as possible, how did your parents, grandparents show their openness to receive? What did your culture teach you about receiving? (Broaden understanding of the system)
As I type these questions swirling in my head to this post, I am realising how important the practice of “sitting with it” and giving this the space it deserves. I am glad that I can bring you along in what is unfurling for me. Feel free to reach out or share what is stirring in you as you read this, and stay tuned for what I will find…
Hiraya manawari,
Lana