I recently watched a video of Tom Jones singing “I won’t crumble with you if you fall”. He sang this as a tribute to his wife before she passed away from lung cancer.
Here are the lyrics to the song:
I will wake in the morning if you call
And I'll stand beside you as long as I can
I will hold back the evening of your sun
But I won't crumble with you if you fall
I will shadow the heat of your days
And I'll drink from the sweat of your brow
I will walk to the tune of your song
But I won't crumble with you if you fall
Come and walk with me and hold to my hand
Touch me, let me know I am here by myself
Stretch my night dreams into my days
Stop short of falling apart if I go down
I'll wake in the morning if you call
And I'll stand beside you as long as I can
I will hold back the evening of your sun
But I won't crumble with you if you fall
The minute I heard this line, “But I won't crumble with you if you fall”, something inside me leapt.
“I won’t crumble with you if you fall” speaks about the importance of regulation and co-regulation.
The Neuroscience Behind It
Polyvagal Theory, developed by Stephen Porges, offers a unique perspective on regulation and co-regulation through the lens of the autonomic nervous system, particularly the vagus nerve. The regulation and co-regulation of our nervous system play a crucial role in maintaining both physical and emotional well-being. At its core, nervous system regulation involves our body's ability to manage and balance physiological responses to stress, stimuli, and various experiences. This intrinsic process ensures our bodies adapt to changes, recover from stress, and function optimally.
Regulation refers to the ability of the nervous system to shift between different states in response to perceived safety or threat. When we feel safe and secure, our nervous system activates the ventral vagus complex, promoting calmness, social connection, and healthy bodily functions. Proper regulation is essential for maintaining homeostasis, reducing the risk of chronic stress-related illnesses such as hypertension, anxiety, and depression, and ensuring that we can respond appropriately to everyday challenges.
Three Circuits: Polyvagal Theory suggests three circuits within the autonomic nervous system:
Ventral Vagus Complex: Promotes safety, social connection, and calmness.
Sympathetic Nervous System: Triggers the "fight-or-flight" response in times of perceived danger.
Dorsal Vagal Complex: Initiates the "freeze" or shutdown response in extreme threat situations.
Co-regulation, on the other hand, highlights the importance of social connections and interactions in managing our nervous system. Co-regulation refers to the mutual influence of nervous systems between individuals. Humans are inherently social beings, and our nervous systems are designed to respond to and be influenced by others. When interacting with someone we feel safe with (often someone with a calm and regulated ventral vagus complex activation), our nervous system can "co-regulate" with theirs. This means our nervous system shifts towards a calmer state. It's like borrowing calmness from another person until we can self-regulate.
Through co-regulation, individuals can help each other achieve a balanced state, particularly in stress or emotional upheaval. This process involves non-verbal cues, such as eye contact, touch, and body language, as well as verbal communication, which can convey support and safety. A calm and supportive individual can significantly influence another's nervous system, promoting security and well-being.
It is a healing process.
Both regulation and co-regulation are fundamental to our health and development. They enable us to form healthy relationships, enhance our resilience to stress, and improve our overall quality of life. By understanding and fostering these processes, we can create environments that support emotional and physiological balance, leading to healthier and more fulfilling lives.
Promotes Emotional Well-being: Both regulation and co-regulation equip us with the skills to manage strong emotions effectively. We can navigate stress and challenges with a calmer and more collected approach when we regulate and co-regulate.
Strengthens Relationships: Co-regulation fosters a sense of safety, trust, and connection. When we can stay calm and supportive during moments of dysregulation, it strengthens relationships and positive social interactions.
Enhances Learning and Growth: Effective regulation allows us to focus our attention, manage impulses, and engage in critical thinking. When regulated, we are better equipped to learn new things, solve problems, and receive feedback.
“But I won't crumble with you if you fall”
This is what healing affords us in our relationships.
When we can hold ourselves amidst adversities, we remain steadfast on how to face what is emerging. This is helpful, especially for those who are in a carer position.
I remember the years that we were taking care of our mom. She went through a lot in dealing with metastatic breast cancer.
Those years were tough. Yet we knew we had to persevere.
We also knew that we had to keep ourselves grounded. We had to keep ourselves from crumbling. Those times when things were really shaky, we held ourselves together for our mom.
Ten years ago I was introduced to the Silk Ring Theory. I find it useful to know when to “dump in and dump out”. It gave me the language to share what would be helpful for me as I was going through breast cancer treatments. It also made me aware of the role of my partner to keep things together especially on the times I was in chaos.
This position is not for the faint of heart.
Being the one tasked to take all of it in, be the co-regulated self to an ailing partner with the fortitude to keep things together is not easy.
Yet, it’s what we can do for each other, especially for the ones we love.
When we hold ourselves together during times when they are struggling, they can piggyback on our steadiness. They can see us as their “rock”. Someone to lean on, someone to support them, someone they can depend on. Knowing that there are stable, centered, grounded, and connected individuals around us encourages us to “sit in the messy middle” and be confident that we have others around us who can hold this space with us. When things get rough, knowing we have a community that supports us is such a blessing.
“Do not let them suffer alone.”
This is one of the teachings I share with my kids. I often tell them, “When you see suffering, do not let people suffer alone. When you have the means and are resourced to support another person, be there. Be that settled body that can settle other bodies”.
So how do we keep ourselves regulated so that it becomes easy for others to co-regulate with us?
There are different ways to “calm our nervous system”. My favorite is “Basking in Green”. One of my happiest places (and my family knows this a lot) is to go to the big garden center in our area. Being in nature, seeing plants and just surrounding myself in trees (sometimes I even hug them!) soothes my frayed nervous system a lot!. I also enjoy seeing the mountains. Although the Netherlands is such a flat land, I make sure that I get my fill of mountains by going to nearby countries regularly. For others like my husband or son, I know they are more water-oriented.
Other ways to regulate are:
Deep Breathing Exercises: Deep, slow breaths activate the parasympathetic nervous system, which promotes relaxation and counteracts the "fight-or-flight" response. Techniques like box breathing (inhaling for 4 seconds, holding for 4 seconds, exhaling for 4 seconds, and holding for 4 seconds) are particularly effective.
Progressive Muscle Relaxation (PMR): PMR involves tensing and releasing different muscle groups progressively throughout the body. This helps to release physical tension associated with stress and anxiety.
Being present: Mindfulness and being intentional train our attention to focus on the present moment without judgment. By observing our thoughts and feelings without getting caught up in them, we can create a sense of calm and detachment from stressful and uncomfortable emotions.
Look for glimmers: According to Deb Dana, a licensed clinical social worker specializing in complex trauma and author of "The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy,"
“Glimmers refer to small moments when our biology is in a place of connection or regulation, which cues our nervous system to feel safe or calm...We're not talking great, big, expansive experiences of joy or safety or connection, these are micro-moments that begin to shape our system in very gentle ways.”
Seek experiences that will make you feel safe, connected, present, and settled. Our nervous system is wired to sense triggers, yet with practice we can notice and embrace the glimmers around us.
Glimmers will be different for each one of us. What might bring us joy may not be the same for the other person. This is where the Platinum rulecomes in: “Do unto others as they would want done to them." - Dave Kerpen
Understanding our glimmers and knowing the glimmers of others can promote not only feelings of joy and peace but alsoa greater sense of connectivity with those we engage with.
Our presence is a gift.
Regulation and co-regulation are important for our overall wellness. Practicing 'calming our nervous system" is not just for ourselves. It is a gift that we can give to others. When things get rough and I am resourced well to hold myself together in these moments, it helps others around me to piggyback on my regulated body.
This is why our presence is a gift.
We have a collective responsibility to be there for each other.
We are one nervous system regulating and co-regulating each other.
P.S. How is your nervous system doing? Try to take a few minutes to check-in with yourself… what is alive in you?
Hiraya manawari,
Lana
This is a wonderful post Lana. Thank you and thinking of you. Love, Tim.