HOW MY MOM'S LIFE TAUGHT ME HOW TO SURRENDER
I heard this quote while watching one of my tv series and although I have heard it so many times before, it hit me differently this time.
“We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” -Joseph Campbell
This time I immediately thought of “surrender”. One of the 4 responses (soften, flow, flock, surrender) that I have been articulating in my healing-centered ecosystems framework.
As I think of surrender, there are more questions that came up for me.
What thoughts, images, words, experiences come up for me when I think of surrender?
When in my life did I surrender?
How does surrendering feel like? Sound like? Look like?
How do I know I am surrendering?
How do I even know when to surrender?
Often in workshops, when I am asked a question, I would say “I would give you more questions than answers.” It seems to be the case now for me as I unpack and explore what surrender means.
Given that I like stories and flipping narratives, it seems fitting to use a life story to talk about surrender. Two different memories came up for me. One was with my mom and another was when I was first diagnosed with breast cancer.
When I think of surrender, I am reminded of the time when I had my mom’s hand and ushering her to sleep. We knew it wouldn’t take long. Her oncologist told us there was nothing else they could do. She was already bedridden because of metastasized breast cancer. Throughout the years of treatments, she showed up for herself with grace, strength, and resilience. We knew that she was everyday in pain (Cancer spreading to the bone is the most painful type of cancer) yet how she dealt with life was both heartbreaking and inspiring to see.
On that night, as I was singing her a lullaby, a thought came up for me and after singing I shared that with her. I told my mom, it was ok to let go. I held her hand and told her how much she has worked hard in providing me and my brother the life that we had. How her sacrifices were not in vain as both me and my brother finished our studies and are already working.
I told her, in my shaky voice, how much we are settled and that she didn’t have to worry about her mother because we are there. My brother and I will make sure that she is taken cared of. I told her that as much as it pains us to see her go, it also pains us to know she is suffering. I told her, we are grateful for all her love and that we are ready.
Thinking back of that night, I can still remember and feel how my body softened and dropped as I was holding her hand. Eventhough it was 23 years ago, my body can vividly recall how that felt.
A deep relief.
A deep acknowledgement and honoring.
A deep “bahala na” - “Bathala na”
As I wrote before, Bahala na/ Surrendering does not indicate avoidance rather it entails:
tolerance and patience to the ambiguity
trust that everything will fall into place
heightened ability to be flexible and resilient in the given moment
emboldened self-confidence in one’s capacity to hold any contingency
leap of faith in whatever Divine Being we are supported by
It was at that moment that I was surrendering to the Divine Spirit my mother’s fate for I knew we did all we could to care for her physical body. I trusted that we, my brother, my grandma and me, can hold the grief of losing her. I was confident that we can support our grandma.
I knew that my mom’s passing is part of the Cosmic Weaving.
We all have our place and space in this time.
We all have our beginnings and our endings.
Tara Brach wrote
“Cultivating a surrendering presence allows us to release the identity of a small, separate self, and open to the truth and fullness of who we are.”
She emphasized it even more in her podcast “The Path of Spiritual Surrender part 1 and part 2”
What I am realising about surrender
From reading about surrender, here’s what I have learned on what it means to surrender.
1. Surrender is a full heart, body, and mind integration.
I love what Tara Brach mentioned in her talk:
“Whatever comes up is feedback not failure”
Surrendering is about taking in our experiences and whenever we start to feel hurt or certain emotions, this is feedback to deepen our attention. To deepen to what our heart, body, and mind are sensing and processing.
Dr. Peter A. Levine has developed a therapeutic system he calls Somatic Experiencing, which explains that trauma is not caused by the event itself, but rather develops through the failure of the body, psyche, and nervous system to process and release these adverse experiences. This means the brain gets “stuck" in the fight, flight, freeze, or collapse responses.
Surrendering is practicing deep attentiveness especially to those parts where there is stuckness, and be aware of what we are sensing, and give feedback to what we need to hold, what needs flowing, and what we need to let go of.
Surrendering is letting go of thoughts, of perceptions, of judgments, of narratives, of beliefs, of patterns.
It is letting go of rigidity, of stiffness, of clenching, of resistance, of holding on too tightly.
It is letting go of heaviness, of control, of camouflaging, of the armoring.
And as we practice surrendering, the more that we can reconnect to our essence, to our true selves.
“One of the most important changes we can make is to go from seeing surrender as sign of defeat to seeing it as a land of victory inside ourselves." — Marianne Williamson, author of “A Return to Love”
2. Surrender is a leap of faith, a reorientation, and a return to the Divine Source.
“If we pay attention, we will realize that every moment around us, there is a world that we did not create that's been there for 13.8 billion years, and there's trillions of cells in your body that are doing what they're supposed to do, and all of nature, everything. You wake up and you realize, "I'm not doing any of this. I didn't make my body. I didn't make my mind think. I don't make my heart beat. I don't make my breath breathe, etc, etc, yet I have this notion that I have to make things happen. Yet, all throughout the universe, things are happening everywhere and I'm not doing them, so why exactly am I the one that's in charge of what's unfolding in front of me?"
What you realize at some point is that you're not; that the moment in front of you that's unfolding is no different than all the zillions of other moments that aren't in front of you that are unfolding in accordance to the laws of nature, the laws of creation. You start to practice saying, "I don't want to check inside of me first to see what I want and what I don't want. I want to pay attention to what the universe is creating in front of me just like it's creating everywhere were I'm not, and let me see how I can participate in that, be part of that instead of interfering with it with my desires and my fears." That's living from a place of surrender.
… This idea of letting go of yourself first and then listening, seeing ,and interacting in the highest possible way with the universe that's unfolding in front of you doesn't mean you're saying yes to every single thing or no to every single thing that people are telling you. You're listening to it with a deeper place inside of you than your personal desires and fears.”
Michel Singer, author The Untethered Soul and The Surrender Experiment.
When we surrender, we accept the divinity that is inside of us, inside of others, and all around us. It means acknowledging that we are a small yet integral part of the Cosmos, interacting and engaging in the bigger scheme of Life. Surrender is the willingness to meet life as it is and without pre-conceived notions on “how life should be”.
Surrender means being open to receive Spirit.
In yoga, the term ‘Ishvara Pranidhana’ is composed of two Sanskrit words: ‘Ishvara,’ meaning a higher power, and ‘Pranidhana,’ which means to surrender + devote. This surrendering to a higher power reminds us to embody a deeper and trusting relationship with the Divine Power- the universe.
In Taoism, it’s to come back to alignment with the Tao.
According to Rory from Unbroken Self:
The Tao is the natural, ever-present and effortless order of the cosmos; the creative energy infusing and animating everything, on both macrocosmic and microcosmic levels.
As Lao Tzu said “To return to the Source is to find peace.” Surrendering gives us peace.
”Surrendering to the Tao means simply letting go of the conceptual, shaking ourselves free of habits of mind and thought, and coming into alignment with the natural rhythms of life. We then allow the Tao to guide our actions naturally, spontaneously and gracefully…
“There’s no need to force anything. Letting go, we can see the perfection inherent around and within us, and life becomes an exquisite exercise in allowing. When we remove the obstructions created by our grasping mind, things naturally come into balance. There’s nothing we need to do but allow the Tao to flow through us, directing our words and actions. Surrendering to this power inherent within us, we come into alignment with the truth of what we are and become an instrument of peace in the world.” - Rory
3. Surrendering is our natural state
Have you ever seen…
dandelions resist and stay in place when they are blown?
leaves on trees trying not to fall off during Autumn season?
bamboo trees keeping its upright position when faced with a storm?
or humans willingly keeping their breathe for an hour or not to pee, or poop for days?
Surrendering is the natural release of grasping and resistance. It is not our natural state to keep on controlling, clenching, resisting, and tightening.
As Tara Brach mentioned in her talk “Controlling reduces the field of perception. Controlling reconfirms a sense of limited self.”
Surrendering is the profound yes that allows life to unfold itself. The gift of surrendering is it allows us to wake up past our separate self and surrender to our true sense of oneness. Surrendering encourage and allow us to live from our expanded sense of being.
“Surrender is acknowledging the illusion that you are actually in charge of the forces of creation… surrender is acknowledging we don’t have any authority over the major league events, none. I have no authority over synchronicity, coincidence, love.” - Caroline Myss
How about you, what does surrender mean for you?
What is your relationship with surrendering?
Here are some questions to ponder on around surrendering:
Where in your life where there is stuckness, clenching, rigidity, tension, or stiffness that allows a lot of presence and letting go?
How do you relate to things that feels stuck?
Where do you notice habitual tightening in your body?
What feedback are you receiving in these spaces of habitual tightening?
How are these thoughts, tightness, stuckness protecting/armouring you?
What are the underlying beliefs around these thoughts, perceptions, narratives?
Where do you sense where letting go is needed for you?
What would happen when you let go of these thoughts?
What are you leaning into when you surrender?
Who can support you in practicing surrendering?
P.S. Let me know how this post and the reflection prompts contributed to your understanding and awareness of the practice of “surrendering”! Words of affirmation are my love language. Hearing from you encourages my fervour in my work, it nourishes my soul, and reaffirms my conviction to “be the pebble” and continue stirring ripples.
If you need a facilitator to support your team or organisation in embodying these 4 responses (soften, flow, flock, and surrender) or to design a more healing-centered ecosystem in your organisation, please feel free to reach out.
Hiraya manawari,
Lana