KUNDANGAN: A Practice of Deep Consideration and Care
This is part 2 of this unfurling exploration around receiving. You can read part 1: Receiving as An Act of Surrender.
Kundangan (Baybayin spelling ᜃᜓᜈ᜔ᜇᜅᜈ᜔) respect; regard; consideration
For most of my life, I have been doing morning pages, a practice I learned from Julia Cameron’s book, “The Artist’s Way”. I don’t get to write to three long pages, yet I do get to write deeply about my dreams, my thoughts, and how I would like to approach the day.
Today’s morning pages were revealing. It centred around the conversation I had last night with my husband around things I am noticing more and processing. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer 10 years ago I started reflecting on “what does a breast sickness mean?”. Given that the breasts are symbols for nurturance, care, and connection, I started a journey on reassessing how I was showing up on those areas. At that time, I knew I have the tendency to be over giving and how I am still untangling over giving with generosity even up until now.
“The major emotion behind breast lumps and breast cancer is hurt, sorrow and unfinished emotional business generally related to nurturance.” - Carolyn Mess
Lately, I have been noticing another pattern around nurturance that is causing me deep pain - RECIPROCITY. Last time I wrote about expectations and how unmet expectations affect one's self-esteem, wellbeing, and ability to connect with others. I took the time to also reflect on my own unmet expectations especially expectations that I have of the other around reciprocity and how that is deeply embedded in my upbringing and Filipino culture.
REVISITING CULTURAL PRACTICES
Growing up, I kept hearing about pakundangan and the importance of having deep respect, reverence, and consideration to others. For us Filipinos, practicing pakundangan is a way of life. We are a we-centric society and taking account other people’s feelings through pakikiramdam (deep sensing), and in pakikipagkapwa (seeing our shared humanity) are practices that we learned early on.
KAPWA is a Filipino pivotal value that is a recognition of shared identity. It means the unity of the ‘self’ and the ‘others (an inner self shared with others). In Kapwa psychology, the "ako" (ego) and the "iba sa akin" (others) are one and the same. In Filipino psychology, there are two categories of kapwa, the “ibang tao (outsider)” or the “hindi ibang tao (one of us)”. How we engage with people are based on where they are in this two categories and our interactions can range from civility to being in oneness with the other.
According to Filipino Psychologists Santiago and Enriquez (1976), there are 8 Levels of Interaction:
IBANG TAO ("OUTSIDER")
Pakikitungo- transaction/civility with/ amenities
Pakikisalamuha- interaction with/act of mixing
Pakikilahok - joining/participating with
Pakikibagay- in conformity with/in accord with;
Pakikisama - getting along with/adjusting
HINDI IBANG TAO ("ONE-OF-US")
Pakikipagpalagayang-loob- act of mutual trust; being in rapport/understanding/acceptance with
Pakikisangkot- act of joining others/ getting involved with
Pakikipagkaisa - being one with/ full trust/ oneness/ fusion
These levels of interaction can guide us on how people are treating each other.
When I was invited to speak at the Unlearning Festival about Radical Community Building, I mentioned about the practice of pakundangan as seen around the dinner table that I have introduced to my family. At home, whenever there is someone who would like to take another serving, we would first notice if there is enough for everyone, and if there is very limited portion or pieces left, the practice is to ask first “is there anyone else who would like a piece?”. One participant mentioned that he would have never thought of that practice as a “radical act of community building”, and it was a big insight for him as I shared about the importance of doing the small acts as representation of how we are in the bigger scheme of things or as adrienne maree brown author of “Emergent Strategy” would say “How we are at the small scale is how we are at the large scale…what we practice at the small scale sets the patterns for the whole system”
This act of pakundangan is deeply embedded in how we treat each other as one-of-us. It goes beyond just getting along with. It involves making sure that each one is cared for well. It’s a practice in flocking and collective care.
MOVING FROM TRANSACTIONAL TO TRANSFORMATIVE RELATIONSHIPS
You might be wondering, but what does kundangan have to do with reciprocity?
A few years ago, I was introduced to the Platinum Rule by my dear friend, collaborator and ADHD Coach, Saskia Wenniger. The Platinum rule goes like this:
“Do unto others as they would want done to them."
"We all grow up learning about the simplicity and power of the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would want done to you. It's a splendid concept except for one thing: Everyone is different, and the truth is that in many cases what you'd want done to you is different from what your partner, employee, customer, investor, wife, or child would want done to him or her."- Dave Kerpen, author of the book The Art of People
When immersing ourselves with the Platinum rule, we are shifting our focus from the I to the other. We are exploring what it means to be in right relationships with others around us that is not transactional. The Platinum rule invites us to form connections that are more transformational. It also involves making sure we know how others around us want to be treated. The Platinum rule encourages us to move away from providing transactional reciprocity to PAKIKIRAMDAM - our deep attunement and empathy for each other.
Given that I highly value deep consideration and care not just in my family but also in work collaborations and friendships, I also would like to receive deep consideration and care when engaging with me. This yearning for pakundangan goes with what Virgina Satir expressed as a universal yearning " to love oneself, to love others, and to be loved by others .”
I want to be loved by others through mutual care and consideration. I want for those who care about me to show and share their care through checking-ins, exploring delight together, and basking on connecting moments be it online or face-to-face. Connecting to this yearning made it easier for me to articulate my requests to my husband and my children. As I understand more my yearnings for mutual care and consideration I become more aware of:
being in full yes to what I am committing myself to
the collaborations I want to deepen and nurture where reciprocity is palpable and deeply embedded in the culture of the team, and
where to draw boundaries or let go of relationships where it feels transactional.
As I unpack what reciprocity sounds like, looks like and feels like for me, I am deepening my curiosity in noticing patterns in my behaviors, and in my interactions with others. I am curious on what would unfurl as I invite more reciprocity in my life and I am also deeply curious on what your relationship with reciprocity is like.
Let me know in the chat or send me a message to share how this piece has resonated with you.
Hiraya manawari,
Lana