SITTING WITH AMBIGUITY
The word "ambiguity" originates from the Latin word "ambiguitas," which is derived from "ambiguus," meaning "uncertain" or "doubtful." The concept of ambiguity refers to something having more than one possible interpretation or meaning, leading to confusion or uncertainty.
When I hear the word “ambiguity” there is an immediate reaction or negative interpretation attached to it. I know for the most part of my life, ambiguity was seen and interpreted as a threat, something to move away from as quickly as possible.
The past few weeks I have been sitting with ambiguity. The waiting for treatments to start. The spaces in between doctor’s visits and figuring out the best course of action. These are all periods of “so what’s going to happen now?”
Being in ambiguous, liminal spaces is not easy. It brings tension, unease, anxiety, and frustration. There is so much discomfort around ambiguity that keeps us untethered and wishing for “clear, comfortable, and common grounds”.
So I decided to unpack, but why is this so?
To sit with ambiguity with fluidity and grace, I find it essential for me to really unpack where my feelings and perceptions are coming from.
Why do I have such uncomfortable feelings around ambiguity?
What are the narratives I hold about it?
Messages I heard in my head were:
“Ambiguity means change. It means taking me out of my comfort zone and being entrusted into something unfamiliar and uncertain. Why would I want change?” (resistance to change)
“But what if this and that happens? There are so many ways this can go and what if I don’t like where it’s heading?” (unforeseen future)
“Something like this happened in the past and I wasn’t ready or supported. I don’t want to be doing that again.” (unprocessed wounds from the past)
“I don’t think I have the capacity to go through what it takes.” (insecurities surfacing)
“I don’t like being out of control.” (views on power)
That last line hit hard. “I don’t like being out of control.”
Why is it that I don’t like being out of control?
What is it about control that “grips me?” (huh, see what I did there?)
Kidding aside, I knew I had to unpack this narrative for me to be able to understand myself better. Good thing I can use Satir’s Iceberg model to go even further down the waterline.
The perceptions I have around control or lack of control are:
People who do not have control are not focused, not productive, and therefore are not contributing well to society. (ouch!)
People who have control can plan their days well, create and work well, and thus are able to pursue their ideas and dreams more. (noting here the words “well, and more”)
I am just sitting with these two perceptions around control that has surfaced for me and I know there might be more but these two around productivity, contribution, and being “more” are such big themes in my life.
CHALLENGING MENTAL MODELS
As I unpack these further, I realised that my inability to stay in the ambiguous spaces with ease is because of my judgments around being out of control. My perceptions and expectations of myself (and others) around productivity and value are so deeply intertwined that when I am not clear and in control of what to do next, I see myself as failing to contribute.
What I realised from this process of understanding my relationship with ambiguity is that my need for clarity (which fuels that control) enables me to also meet my yearnings for contribution and meaning. The deepest essence that I can connect this with is my wish to live my legacy. I want to have a life that matters, that is of value, and that can create ripples in other people’s lives and in mine.
What is important for me to realise is that being in ambiguity is not an “all-or-nothing” experience. An "all or nothing" mental model refers to a cognitive tendency where individuals see things in extreme terms, with no middle ground or grey area. This polarised way of thinking can manifest in various aspects of life, such as relationships, work, or personal goals. When in this mindset, we often believe that things are either perfect or a complete failure, leading to a lack of flexibility, resilience, and adaptability. This rigid way of thinking can lead to increased stress, anxiety, and a diminished sense of accomplishment.
And this is why ambiguity seems to be such an uncomfortable space for me. I am looking at it with an all-or-nothing lens. Given where I am now, where I am technically on sabbatical to attend to my medical needs, it’s important for me to not see this phase in my life as a decrease in my contribution and diminished sense of meaning. Challenging my perceptions and thought patterns around ambiguity was such an insightful way to reconnect with myself and give compassion to the parts in me that judges my lack of control in ambiguous states as failure.
Virginia Satir said “ we must not allow other people’s limited perceptions to define us”, yet I would say it’s even more important for us to remember are “we must not allow OUR limited perceptions of the world to define us and others around us.”
P.S. My invitation is for you to also try the process of unpacking what ambiguity is for you and what you connect with it. Unpacking patterns and ways of being are important for us to be in congruence with ourselves. The time and space that we can give in peeling the layers beneath our actions are such a gift that we can give ourselves.
Hiraya manawari,
Lana